Just Let IT

Wondering what has changed? Or was it there always and I was blinded by love or desperate for a future? You are not the man I married 17 years ago. But wait I am not the woman I was 17 years ago. Maybe it is not him it is me? What am I doing now that makes the difference? What I see that is important that I didn't before. I think I got it all wrong. It is isn't him, it is me. Whew so glad I figured that one out.

Don't feed the monkey. Leave the bananas outside. I can't control the past, it is gone. I must review and live from mistakes. I can't control the future. It is already written. I can only control my actions, thoughts and views. Only I can change. Stand up for me and what I see to be right. Trust in God and that only He knows the way. Follow Him.

My ex, that is a hard one. Dealing with what way the wind is blowing. Alot of prayer and patience. Not going to put alot of time or energy in this one. Just doesn't seem to be worth it. Maybe some day we will see eye to eye. But one very special man reminded me now too long ago...and that is way you call him x!

Twilight...

Wow that was good! Went to see Twilight with the kids tonite. I was blown away. Some what scary and very intense. I was truly on the edge of my seat. And if you know me I don't like that kind of movie. If I didn't know that it was a love story I probably would have not gone to see it. At one point I was wondering if i could leave for a second. I just kept asking what is going to happen next to Cas. I am sure she was a bit anoid but I really couldn't wait to find out what was going to happen next. To all who had read the book, they too said that they just couldn't put the book down.

Not so sure I like that unknowing feeling. I like a surprise here and there but intense, edge of your seat not so sure. I was abit scared at times too. Hope that the kids sleep through the night. I know that they get that from me but I don't care I don;t like being scared! Get use to it. I like to laugh til I cry and there is nothing wrong with that. I know I am rambling but I just don't want to go down in my bedroom alone. Ha ha. No that is the truth. I think I need a drink.

And the Winner Goes To????????

Not going to win mother of the year award again this year. Heck I don't think I am going to even qualify for parent of the year.

What to do when you are not really liked by your kids. Hmm that is a tough one. Will they get it someday? Will they understand why I do and did the things I did. Hmm I hope so. Divorce in general does suck. For kids that seem to love both parents, it sucks more. Right now on so many levels, I am the bad one. And even knowing that I need to do certain things to protect me, hurts them. Boundaries that should have been in place a long time ago are finding a spot. Change is happening and it should. One may view this as a bad thing, all in the timing. Maybe knowing that I now have one to rely on makes steps easier. Maybe realizing I had the power all this time and finding the strength through God to make it all happen? Trusting that He will bring us through. Still very hard to give it up all to Him. Work in progress.

I am a good mom. Maybe not seen today but someday. Will it matter in 20yrs? Na I only hope that my kids are healthy and happy.

Struggling and breathing deep.

Best Laid plans

Give it a minute and all plans change. That is hard to deal with, especially when it has Denise's workout in it. The weather finally has broke for me to do little running outside. I have it planned-get home and run, then dinner and bed. But life happens and I need to flow. That can drive me crazy and usually does. Still working on that one. Patience and change -hard ones for me. Good thing I went for walk at lunch time. At least I feel I did something today other than pick on teeth. Looking forward to tomorrow suppose to be in the 50's. Great plans made again. Hoping and praying that it will work out tomorrow. Well maybe today I would have gotton hurt or ran over or something like that. Be thankful for tomorrow. Glad the kids are ok and we will get to bed early today.

What Counts? Does It Even Matter?

Will it matter in 20yrs? Will anyone even speak of it? Will they even remember what I said? Trying to instill the things that will matter. Hard though when your dealing with another with totally opposite views. Gotta be hard deciding which way to turn and who to listen too. Wanting them to make good sound decisions but how can they? Two parents whom they love and respect with different views of doing most everything.

Definitely can see the disadvantage to divorce here. When you are with someone, you talk it out and come to some kinda of similar ground. But here you just don't. There is no respect on what the other thinks, well very little. Would like to come to some kind of common ground for the sake of the kids but that just doesn't seem possible. So doing the best I can and hoping that they can see both side and come to some sort of way. Maybe taking a little of this and some of that and working it out. Hoping that they rely on God for all in the end. Figuring what is important and what is just stuff. No one told me it was going to by this hard. Knowing in the end that is doesn;t matter. It all works out somehow. Worry less and smile more. Need to remember that a little no a lot more these days!

Maxing Time

Working on the that 24 hours thing again. Running here and there at lunch because I am trying to capture that time issue again. Looking for the extra 5 minutes that I don't have. Giving up on this so that I can do that. Wishing I had four hands instead of two. Wishing that I could be a night owl and a morning person too. Na not really just trying to get the most out a day without the stress of it all.

Stay home and enjoyed time with my daughter yesterday and didn't worry about running anywhere. Today staying home with the whole family and making a meal. I miss that. Trying to regroup the unit. Practice only twice this week because I say. Not asking permission from those who don't live here. Catch up on reading and thoughts of my children. Find out what is going on with each of them and what they are thinking now. Time to reconnect. Important that I do this for them and me. Deep breaths again.