Christmas 08

Presents all opened. Smiles on some faces. Kids seem to be happy with what they got. Even I did a bit better from the kids this year. I think that they are starting to shop instead of an ex who would have rather not in the past. But what does that all mean? It is just stuff. I miss being around family. This year was great having my parents home for traditional Christmas Eve. Traditional dinner except for the candle lite what up with that? Na it was for Sheri. It was good. It meant alot being around family but missing one.

Christmas morning was pretty much the same. Carson wakes up at 5am and wakes Tris, whom than come down and ask constantly "Can we wake up Casey?' I keep putting them off for I was up at 345am and I feeling the need to dose again. I said "6am is the time. But wake her up gently because she will baulk! " But T does not hear those words and goes in her room singing "its Christmas " at the top or his lungs. Cas screams,"Get out of my room!" And Carson comes sit down by me quietly and says" she not going to get up til 9am now." I said "I told you to wakes her up slowly". Trystin disgustedly comes back to the living room and says "it your turn Car! " Now Carson has to do damage control. Finally after some schmoozing she appears.

This time they all agree on one at a time opening. Wow are they growing up? I get to finally see all their faces when they open their gifts. That was great. It took close to an hour this time. That was fun. After all was said, T buried his face in game boy, Carson went right for the drums with out the head phone and Casey just sat there waking up. I think I did good. I hope I did. We will find out 25 years from now when they are all writing about it or in therapy.

Glad it came, glad to see it done. All together that is all that really matters.

Who Are you and Where is My Mother?

That was the question asked when I unexpectedly took my kids out to a restaurant. Oh no not just some fast food place but sit down. The youngest started out with why are you spoiling us this close to Christmas? The fact was that it was getting late, I just got out of work. I was tired, and hungry and I didn't want to cook. I didn't want to eat junk. I had a gift certificate to Applebees. They have Weight watchers menu. Simple! So it was an open and shut book to me. And I was "fun" mom for a moment. Win win.

Simple things that seem to matter. Time spent. Undivided attention for at least an hour. No hustle no bustle. Someone waiting on me for a change. It is all good.

Wishing all who read...Enjoy. Sit back and breath it in. Merry Christmas. Give Him praise and worship. The best of life is ahead. No regrets. No what if? Only the present! Love you all.

Pondering Once Again

More and more snow on the way. I love to see it this time of year. But Im cold. Feel the need to stay home with a blanket. Only one more day of work. I believe that Im ready for the big day. It is true that when the kids know it just doesn't seem that exciting. I thought before that when they found out then I would get all the credit. It doesn't seem that important any more. Values are changing. Money is important and needed but not in the same way that I viewed before. We are only the handlers of it. It is not ours but we need to know how to dull it out.

Life lessons being learned on a daily basis now. Growing, changing and learning why. Crazy what motivate who and what . Simplify. Less is needed for happiness? Thinking?

Bar Hopping ... On Skiis???????

Well, I did something I never did before and found a new passion. I have been telling you that I need a new sport or form of exercise to do in the winter. Running in the snow is hard and cold. Joe bought used cross country skis this summer. Friday nite we tried them out. I have tried it in the past and knew that it is a workout. So we bundle up for a nite of skiing and bar hopping. Three local bars in two in a half miles, that shouldn't be bad? Well started to get going only to find out that we had on one too many layers of clothes. Thanks to mom and dad and my new thermal gear for running. We were sweating in no time. By living on a main drag, we were forced to stay over on the bumpy gravel area until we hit the town. Sludge and rock salt not so good for skiing. But once we got our groove, we were moving and shaking. We had our favorite running music in our ears but that was quickly lost for I couldn't hear a word Joe was saying too me. And what a beautiful nite, the snow was still falling gently from the sky. There was a sense of peace in the air. No need for music tonite.

Hit the first bar and the people were dumb founded in what they saw. It was great. We met one of Joe's friend there and we were quick to pass off one of our last layers, for him to tote in the car. After a totty, we were off to the next which was a little less than a mile away. Joe was starting to experience a blister at this point. Me-I was doing great. I was so wrapped up that I was working out and doing something fun with the one I love. This is something that binds Joe and I. One of those things that is important to me is also equally important to him. We both worked hard to where we are. Weight will always be a constant issue in our lives. If one slips I hope the other pulls back.

Stopping in for number two and than off again. The next bar was less than a half mile away. Meeting up with Joe's friend again. It definitely was not about drinking tonite, I was more thirsty for water than mix drink.

That was great fun. Entertainment for the night and exercise to boot. Never in a million years would I think I would do that. Learning that exercise can be fun. Enjoying my life and what has become of it. Thank God that he let me go through instead of around. Realizing that patience does pay off. Remembering all my reasons, seasons, and lifetimes. Grateful for all. Knowing that THEY all served their purpose. Grateful for all. The GOOD, the BAD, and ugly. All a part of my journey. Grateful for all. Hoping that they too are on their journey.

New blanket of snow this morning and I need the paper. Only four miles to 7-11, and back hmmm.

Anticipation...

Half inch on the ground and your what??????? Calling off school, you 've got to be kidding.
Anticipation...expecting, wondering with joy or dread. It is in all how you view it. Kids-joy, moms and dads that have to work or get that last minute stuff done-dread.

Well good thing that I don't feel either right now. There is nothing that I have to get done. I do need help with the snow and my house needs an overall good cleaning. Six extra hands not so bad? Or is it? Time to spend some extra time with them because we have been so busy with life. Plan on snuggling for awhile and then shoveling out. Got to work at 11 but hoping the center will be closed. Hope to get to a snow hill too. Working out today will be shoveling and sledding.

Looking ahead to the holidays and planning (cause that is what I do). Trying to fit in all of what I normally do and accommodate what Joe does too. Seems to be working. Alot to organize and remember. Glad for the most part, that our schedule is pretty much mapped out since it has been seven years now. Seven years, wow hard to believe that it has been that long. I wonder if the kids remember it any other way? I know that Car does not because he was only two but I wonder if Casey can even recall? Boy it makes you think. Have you created those "special" memories? Will they look back fondly on them and tell their children?

I remember waking up to all these packages in newspaper. We would go through and sort them by names. And somehow they all seemed to be even. No one really got more than the other. Except the year HE came along. I think I definitely got more that year. No wonder I am in therapy now. No just kidding mom and dad. I think I turned out fine- no great!

Hmm wondering what it will be like in ten yrs? Traditons will change. Kids will be grown. Circle of life continued. Pondering on a snowy day. Ahhhhhhhh

Scattered?? Hmmm

Craziness, craziness go away. When we do not allow it to control us. Trying to deal with that now. I do real good with it from 5-6am and then it seems it is out the window again. All good intentions that I am not going to yell but breate when the crisises arises. Trying to put a smile on my face when I want to scream. Hard to do. Trying to remember what will matter in 10yrs and what won't.

Trying to figure out how to get all I want done without denying my children. With the way the schedule is for all the practices and we need to go here and there, and we need to workout because that is important too. And work ah work, why does everyone wait til the end of the year to get their teeth cleaned. I added two days during the holiday break and it took a day to fill. I usually don't work that but the kids will be with dad and bills need to be paid so...

I need to just start again and live for the day. Savor every moment and realize that it is -what it is. Be in the present. And not remembering that I have a million other things that have to get done. But they can wait. Scattered right now. Can you tell. Need to let it go. Give to God.
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Ouch. That Hurts!

Remembering when I started running in the winter of this year? Not sure when I started but I forgot how much it sucks to run during this time of year. It is cold and the wind is howling. My ears hurt though they where covered. It must be that inner ear thing. Because they truly hurt. And my lungs-ouch. I have to get some tips from those who choose the outdoors to the comforts of a treadmill.

I have to return to the thoughts of is it worth it or not? In my journey, I see a lot who start the weight loss road and quickly jump off or give an excuse that they will start again on Monday. I don't want to go that route. I have travel this far and there IS NO turning back. Desire to stay and be better than the day before. Just because it is Christmas time does that give you a reason to eat those cookies? You got to want-to want it. This is who I am. I have made choices to get me here and I will continue to make choices to stay here.

So time to get back on the gazelle and back to the gym. I don't have as many layers to keep me warm now. Time to start a new program. It is getting close to the first day I began a blog. Time to revamp, for things in my life have changed. I need to flow with those changes. Not regress but recharge!

Continue on with me for my journey is growing, changing and evolving. The sky is bright if we choose to take off the glasses!

Enough is Enough?

Hustling and bustling since I have been back. No fun running around and feeling the stress that is all around me. Still not feeling 100% since the trip. A bit unbalanced literally. Trying not to get caught up in the craziness of buying and buying more. When do you say when. Kids are older and price tags are more money. But when do you say enough?

In the past, I made it a point not to out do the other parent. I don't think I could if I tried. My kids have always had more then enough. Looking at the pile of "stuff " I have for them I am content with what I have but have I taught them the art of being grateful for what they have and what they receive? Not so sure of that one. Oh my kids are not brats but have they ever known what it is like to go without? Do I?

One to ponder I think. I truly believe I have enough "stuff ". Well I would like a large fry pan.(hint) Because when I have the extended family over I have to use two fry pans for the potatoes. But for the most part my "wants " in this world are few. Stuff doesn't make or bring happiness. We create it. Knowing what one is grateful for-that is enough!

I wish you "enough".

Good Times Good Times

Probably didn't thank you enough. But I would have been lost in a foreign country with out you. No idea how to speak the language. Figured that my sign language sucks too. Yes you were right -should have look at the book Spanish for dummies! Thank you for the great birthday gift. The spa will much be remembered. Who would have thought only knowing me for one month that you would take a trip out of the country with me. Must have been crazy!

I am grateful that you where along side of me. Much fun much fun. When you want to do it again?

Say What You Mean

Well when I decided to plan this trip, I mentioned it to a lot of people. Friends and Family that I wanted to make my 40th a memorable moment. And that is what I set out to do. Lots chatted that that would be a great thing to do. But unfortunately few went. Prior commitment, unexpected happenings, or never thought I would go in the first place. Whatever the reason, the ones that went had a good time, I think. I know I did. Thanks for all who where there to celebrate with me. For those who did not-well 50 is just around the corner. Na won't wait that long. Life is short. Rejoice in it, embrace it, and celebrate it.

Eat Drink and Drink some More Then...

My stomach hurts and I don't feel so good. Well not me. But I feel like I am on a boat. Dizzy and light headed. Hmmm inner ear from snorkeling? Not sure but will keep eye on it.

The best part of my trip...full body massage and aloe Vera banana wrap! Nothing lavish but pure enjoyment! Started out to the spa jungle. When I say jungle I mean it. Not scared going in because we took a taxi. But the return well I will tell you about that in a minute.

Met up with Sandra a U.S. local of 20yrs. I was relieved because me and the Spanish language not soo good. We talk awhile for the Mayan women prepared for us. We found out that the people that work at the motels only make 300 pesos every two weeks that is roughly 30.00 us. The Mayan women made more at this spa place. We paid 60.00 for a full body massage and aloe rub and where wrapped in bananas leaves. It was one and half hours of pure relaxation. Best part of my trip.

Leaving the jungle another story. We were guided out of the jungle by a young boy to the main road. He didn't speak any English. Once we hit the road side, he told us wait. Only minutes passed but it seemed longer. It was hot and dusty. Final a short bus (van) came by. As it stopped the door slid open. Joe gave him some money-no idea how much and we weaved in and out of slum filled roads. Dwellings that seemed to be habited but not more than a few two by four and tin roof. The drivers in front would yell out to their buddies and stop to chat awhile. I thought we would never make it to the high way. The only thing that I felt safe about was there was a woman and two young kids on the bus. That was a long trip. Scary.

Home never felt so good.

Swimming or just Floating

Went snorkeling for the first time. It was an experience. But it happened to be on the coldest day of our trip. Somewhere in the 70's and wind and no sun. Brrr. Oh I know you feel bad for me but think of our tour guides, they where freezing. Crazy Americans was echoed.

Drank only a half gallon of salt water-Joe alot more! Glad I went but thought I would see more colors. Still feel like Im on the boat. Or at least in the ocean floating in the waves. Good times good times!

Fly, Fly Away

Nervous, excited, and nervous. Why? So many people say have a great time. Don't worry about a thing. Why can that be so hard too do. I want to say that I have come a long way from the worry, worry and worry some more but it is still there. I worry less about the stuff of my life and more about the peoples of my life. I was a bit more at ease when my parents where going with me. What can go wrong when you got mom and dad? Well since they are not going now-my mind a bit uneasy. It seems the older you get the more "bad" you see in this world. Remember when ignorance was bliss? Being up so early does not help. I worry if I have all that is needed-packed? Traveling international, I think is what has got me a bit "yanked". I know that I will be better when I get there and have that first margarita on the white sandy beaches. Well coffee is done and I need to just take some deep breathes. I will see you in 5 days or so. many pics to show and stories to tell. Oddyosss!

The Conferences

Went to the boys conferences yesterday. I wasn't sure what I was going to hear or see when it came to report cards. Well yes, I did have insight. I was seeing what was coming home and what I was not excited to see some of the papers. Well it turns out that the one who has continuously struggled is somewhat getting it. Yea! And the one who I know would fly by the seat of his pants is now getting what is deserved. With little effort on his part, he can no long just get by. Grades reflect effort to some degree.

My youngest "the comedian". Oh he will keep you laughing. He knows what to do but a 'C" is good enough for him. Well not for me. He needs to improve the grades or he doesn't wrestle. I know he gets it-it is just lack of motivation and laziness. He is smart and he is going to be one of those guys that knows how to work the system and will. Not a bad thing but hmmmm. Charm and humor will not always get you the job. Or will it? I will be on him a bit more and work on the details of the school work now. Oh don't get me wrong he is a good boy and I will keep the positive flowing. I will praise what needs praising. But do a bit more pushing. Need to work on the attitude.

T the one that has struggled his entire school life is finally getting it too some degree. Oh yes he works and works very hard at it. But it is paying off. He is reading at a 5th grade level and liking it to some degree. Oh I know that I can not back off though. We just are making head way now. I was so proud of him. I could have cried. I know how the battle is hard.

The one thing that stood out in both conferences the most is that both my boys are loving, good kids. The teaches both praised their core goodness. They would love 25 kids like them in class. And isn't that what you really want to know? You didn't fail when it came to the basic of goodness and lovingness. That is what is truly important. That I have children that I can be proud of. I know that as a parent I didn't fail in that and I am divorced too. Who would have figured that good kids can come from divorce parents? (Oh I am being cynical now. Excuse me but divorce parents can get a bad rap sometimes.) Core goodness shown to others is what is important.

I am proud of all my "seeds". They are the best of me and their dad. This is one of the proud parent moments. When you know why they came into your life and give it purpose. MOM never sounded so sweet!

Way too Early

Up this early I must be crazy. Sleep is just not what is needed right now. They say you eat when your hungry and sleep when your tired but... Who is they anyway? And why have they become an authority on everything we do?

Did a lot of deep breaths yesterday. With the help of friends and loved ones, I manage to get my vehicle in the shop and a rental in hand. All my patients got seen and I left a half hour early to make it to conferences on time.

Now, today new day-same story well somewhat. Kids go to work with me and get their teeth cleaned and then off to grandmothers house they go. I have worked the schedule again so I should be out a bit early to do some last minute shopping for my trip. Then it is home to make the things I need for the big feast. Not too hard to do but lots on the brain right now. I have to pack and think what I to do take for 80 degrees of pure sunshine. Oh don't moan you could have gone with me and decided no! Not my fault. Thinking that less is better. Planning of spending most the time in bathing suit in the sun. We have one day trip that I know of to the spa and really how much clothes do you need there-na da!

Excitement is building and I can't wait. Trip has been in my thoughts for a while now and I am glad that I made it happen. Keep the margarita flowing I say.

Murphy's Law

Murphy's Law =Something is going to go wrong. Something like that. Once again, the "why me" syndrome. Do I have to go through somethings to avoid something worse? Don't sweat the little things=there all little things, in the realm of it all. Taking deep breaths when it doesn't seem to flow the way I think it should.

Time to step back and just let things happen I can't control. He knows that I need more time with that "patience" thing. Accepting is hard for me especially when I don' t think it is my best interest. Letting go if you will. Days lately are packed with stuff to get down before the holidays and trip. Things just need to go a certain way for it all to be OK? Right? Nope once again life happens and things are changed. I am sure it is for the better but at the time it doesn't seem that way.

Still realizing that it is only stuff in the world. It is not life and death and don't need that stuff to make us who we are. As quickly as we obtain it-we can lose it. And once again it is only "stuff". What is truly important and what is not. Trying to figure out things in the early morning because it is the best time for me. It is quiet and peaceful. Time to meditate and recharge. Hoping the ones that matter "get me"? Not insane, just insightful. Connecting to mind, body and spirit.

Shop, Mop, and Roll

Different sort of weekend this time. Kids-gone, cats-gone, boyfriend-gone, well was suppose to be but the UP got too much snow. So gone in mind and continued to hunt in the area. I had a lot of time to shop, bake and clean. Well shopping was little success and the cleaning I got through most of the cat part of the house. Still working on all the blankets and fur that continues to stay on the furniture. The main house is warmer and my bedroom because I now can close it off. Kids came home last nite and nothing was said about them. Oh I know that they were aware that they were gone but not a word said. Feel bad oh yes but I know it was for the best.

Now I am looking forward to the stuff that has to get done in the next couple of days. Thankful that it is Thanksgiving but lots to do. Haven't even thought about what I am going to pack. I leave in 6 days. Excited and nervous all in one. Don't have to make much for Thanksgiving. That is good. Have too homes to go to this year. That will be different. Haven't done the two in one in many years. Different days but not the same day. Look forward to seeing those who I only see once in a while.

Well got to get moving much to do much to do.

Pee U

What to do when you know it is going to hurt the ones you love? Trying to make one understand that this is the best thing to do. Oh it is hard being a parent. Bring in pets that you know they want. I will take care of them. I will feed them. I will love them too. But when they are destroying all you have worked so hard for. How do you tell them they have to go.

At least if they die, they are sad but understand that it was time for them to go on. But just because they pee on things that is no reason to get rid of them. Or because they wake you at 330 because they are bored and want you up that is no reason. Well decision made and I am not the most popular parent. I didn't hear the "I hate you ". But I seen it in their faces. Hurt oh yes but I know it is what needs to happen. I have been dealing with it for a year now and the camel got "snap" I just pray that the hate goes away and they know that it is for the best. I know it is. I have known it for a long time. It sucks being a parent sometimes. I know also that this is a small piece of the pie. Small kids=small problems, bigger kids=bigger problems. Trust in the fact that it is all laid out and it all works out in time. Deep breaths again.

Not Why But What?

I heard something on the radio coming home last nite that I was suppose to hear. I was listening to a new radio station that has good Christian listening songs. A man was talking about the fact of when things go wrong in our life we tend to ask "why me". Or when bad things happen to good people "why them"? His answer was instead of asking why me say what do you want me to do with it?

It has taken some time to figure out that God doesn't punish us or send bad things our way. Things happen and there are lessons to be learned and something better is coming our way. We just have to believe! Hard one to do at times when it is so "in your face". We think what "good" can come from divorce, sickness, or even death? Hmmm sometimes we need to think about that one. Sometimes we find the answers-sometimes not. Sometimes it isn't our struggle in the first place, we where just a factor in the whole scheme of things. It isn't about us at all. But we where used to open eyes of others. To come over if you will. What ever it takes, he needs us to figure it all out. Oh yes some of us are stubborn, but there is true light at the end if we believe.

Ah life is ever changing if you would have told me 10years ago that I would believe in the things that I have come to know I would have said you are crazy. "I am no bible thumper." Now I surround myself with them and am proud to call them friend. Everything happens for a reason. I am glad that I didn't fight this one til the death. I know now why. I rejoice in it and hope others see the "good" that came from the "why me"?????????

Dreams...ZZZZZZZZZZ

Can you put any validity into dreams? Do you think that it is those things that you can't deal with in the really world? Or don't have the time to look at them -head on? About a year ago, I stopped dreaming. Well at least I thought I did. I would wake up, day in and out and not recall one thing that I dreamed about. Now it seems that that is all I do. I wake up on the hour -recall vividly what they where and how I felt about them at the time. They seem so really that I even recall them when I wake for the day. What does that mean? All of them lately have some kind of dilemma about them. Not necessarily about me or have to do with me but problems that others are going through. I don't even know if these people are even going through it though.

Is it a sign that they need a call or attention in some way? Am I a seed that needs to be sown? Crazy but I believe with all my heart that there are those that just show up from out of the blue to help you out. They may call or be seen in places that you normally wouldn't see them. They say something or do something that you need. And they drop a seed. Plant it or don't. It was given with a purpose. Sometimes we get it-sometimes we don't.

Think I need to make a phone call today. Truly believe that God is working in us and around us. And yet some choose to still ignore. What will it take? Life changing experience? I think so. It did for me. Do you have some seeds? Or do you need to plant? Or maybe even both!

Early Early Morning Thoughts...

Waking up with thoughts of how it all is going to work? My boys start wrestling today which means on the go again, becoming more organized than before. Trying to have nutritious snacks for after school and have some kind of dinner when they get home which is after 8. Then I worry about my daughter who needs to get active too. I have to find something that we can do while the boys do their thing. Thinking about the local college. Seeing if she will join with me so we can swim and run or walk tread mill. Sounds great in theory but I need to have a willing participant. Those preteens don't seem to want to have anything to do with that. I want her to get excited about something. Is that possible? I know for a fact that these are hard times. I know from experience that it is not fun being an over weight child. Or adult for that matter. How do I inspire without turning off. How do I say we need to move without hunting tender feelings? Leading by example is not working.

I know I was overweight and I didn't want anyone to tell me that. Oh it is such a touchy subject. It still is. I feel like I will always be under the glass even if it is me putting myself there. I have gained 5lbs since my weight loss and I am constantly thinking of it. You know how easy 5 can turn to 15! That is why I joined the runners club. I want to be surrounded by people who strive to be healthy, fit. I am constantly being inspired by Joe who runs on the treadmill and weight trains. I need that excitement and positive outlook pushing me. I too am hoping that leading by example does rub off on my children. I want them to get excited to work out. I want them to feel good about themselves. Not that I think they don't. I think they do. It is just that outside cruel world that continuously judges you one the size of your pants.

Then I think of what is important. Living life with positive influences. Knowing that your loved unconditionally. Being happy for who you are and what you can give. That is what matters. The basics- love one another. Oh if everyone would just live that way, no wait then we all would be in heaven. Too early to think about that.

Anyways thanks for the vent. It is hard to get anyone to talk to me at 4 in the morning. Even the ones that say they love me. It just usually starts after 7. Thank goodness for cats!

Give You A Reason...3

Three reasons again why I do the things I do. Three reasons why I work. Three reasons why I stay home. Three reasons why I am going grey at an early age. Three reasons why I act like a kid. Three reasons why I run. Three reasons to find happiness. Three reasons to stay happy. Three reasons why I need God more than ever. Three reasons to be thankful.

I have three reasons why. What do you have?

In The Bag

Well yesterday got to the race. Wind very cold but knew I had to do it. Not too many runners there. I was number 55. What I didn't realize til after the race-it was just the die hards and the crazy ones running. These are the serious ones. The ones who wear shorts because that is what they always run in.

Any way I had Joe there to support me and that makes all the difference. Oh I would have gone it alone but knowing that someone will be at the finish makes you want to go all the way. I told him not too expect anything great for I haven't ran a race since August. I would be happy to finish in 30 or so. The course was up and back. That is an overpass and back. I was feeling pretty good the whole way. I was behind two guys who seemed to be running for the fun of it and no real sense of urgency. But I figure stay right here til the finish line comes close. So as I rounded the last corner I could see the clock 26:39. Wow no way I have never been under 27. So it was time to kick. Denise K 26:55. Best time ever! Funny thing is that the song that I finished my first race with I ended my last. That is crazy. Sandman cometh Metalliaca or something like that. Feel good, feel accomplished, glad I did it and seen it through.

Number 7

Gearing up for the seventh and final race of the 08 season. Today at 10 if rain holds out. It is cold and not planning on getting any warmer today. 41degrees and rain chance is 60%. But for November not so bad. Not looking to win any awards just finish at my own pace once again. Still get knots in the stomach though. Crazy year this one. Goals set and obtained. Happy to be me. Looking forward to the future and all the "goods" in store. Well got to go prepare for race. Bye for now.

Rainy day thoughts

Four days of pure sunshine and warm weather. Did you go out and enjoyed it? Got back to some decent miles with the running. Thinking ahead to planning on doing a half Marathon. I must be crazy. But it is the thought of accomplishing something new. Something that I never thought I could or even wanted to do. Scary-yes but some what exciting. Still thinking about new hobbies for the winter. You know me I hate the winter. I love to be outside in the sun. Michigan is not the place for that. Oh I have plans to putting on the cross country skis on but that can only happen if there is snow. And I will keep up on running but it gets DARK out there now. Something to be said about running in the dark in the spring verses the winter. In the spring you know that it is going to get warmer and lighter as times goes on not the same to be said for the winter. If you recall I started this running adventure last January. And I ran to the mail box and back. Very slow start because I was not sure that I wanted to do this. Never really went through a whole winter. Not sure what to expect. Running in slush hmmm not sure at all.

I am going to join the runner club in the area. Hoping to get ideas and excited by some long distance runs. Maybe even hook up with ways of getting a tread mill at an affordable price. Tryed it a few times not so sure if I like that type of running. I can see how it can have its benefits in the cold hard months.

Cancun right around the corner. Looking forward to that trip. And turning the big 40! Feeling pretty good about that too. Looking back on the 30's. Some days not so kind but feel good about where I am in life. High roads and low roads, dirt and paved. All in all a learning lesson in life and the after life. Where I want to be and where I never want to go again. Better off that I traveled the way I did. Pride in a good way. Thanks to the many that stuck by my side. For those who had to go that's ok too. We all have choices and we have to live by the ones we think are right. I know many times that you questioned some of mine but they where what I needed to do at the time. One thing I did learn is never say never. You may say one thing but until you walk those shoes you never know what you will do or who you do it with. Times heals all wounds. Shattered hearts become whole again and love creeps in when we aren't even looking. All in God's hands. All in God's plans.

Are you enjoying your journey? Me too!

ahhh You Knew What I Needed.

Found out how to run fast in a short amount of time. Leave in a pissed off mood as the sun is setting and you will fly. Needed to run but time was not on my side not too mention the homework. Left work an hour early in hopes to get the homework done without tears or screams. Started dinner in hopes it would be done so I could run while they ate. Time again not on my side. Then in walked help. Six foot dark hair-hope. "Go!" I got this. Didn't say one word and I was out the door. Needed it bad and he knew it. Hope he realizes that he is much appreciated and loved. If not-hope he reads this. Thank you much. Four hands better than two. Don't you think?

Question My Character...Will u?

Good Mom I think so. Those who questioned it don't know me that well or never bothered in the first place. Why does one's questioning your character bother so much? Throw stones oh I could. But why? What would be the point? Does it matter who gave the most hugs or saw the most games? Na just more and more people in ones life to love and be loved. Not a bad thing I think. So take your stabs if you must. I choose not too. Deep breaths deep breaths.

Trying to stay on the high road can be rather bumpy at times. It is great to have a mechanic in your corner, for the flat tires can be numerous.

Nothing Like Dinner

What brings a family together...food. Something to be said for inviting everyone over and have a meal and share a bit of vino. All is good and families come together to solve the worlds problems or problems not so far out. Opinions are many. Many welcomed-some not so much. Some boisterous and some sit quietly and observe. Who are the chatty Cathy's and Observing Ollies of the group? Did you ever think to try being the opposites? Quietly observing and letting the non verbals take over? Hmmm they do have alot to say if there was a moment of silence.

Interesting how all come from the same cloth but are so different yet so alike. Observing from afar. Switched at birth? Na. Embracing the differences, maybe. Glad to be comfortable in my own skin...finally!

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween. One of my favorite times of the year. You can dress up and be whom ever you want to be. And not one person says a word or stares at you funny. You are accepted no matter what. Sometimes the crazier the outfit- the more it is accepted. Wow if we only could think it was Halloween every day. We would be a lot happier. Accepting all no matter what. Kind of sad to think that if we wear a mask all is good but if we take all the those layers of fake only a few are let in.

So wear your masks today but be sure to wash with soap tonite or you end up with pimples in the morning.

Random Thoughts throughout the Day

Counting blessings one by one. Thankful for all I have. Knowing that all that comes my way is necessary to go through and not around. Path is paved. I am better for walking it. Not alone but in great company. Stumble and fall but get right back up. Life is good if we let it. Let's try! Positive and strong. Brave and beautiful. Rejoicing in life. Thankful.

And On The Seventh Day...

Sunday a day of praising the Lord. Resting on the couch on a raining day. Doing laundry and preparing for the week. The what I have too dos and not so have to dos. Raining-great day to just stay in. No not so fast. Did you run? Nope and Cancun is less than 32 more days. Worked way to hard to call it quits.

Been noticing on my runs which are now in the cold and sometimes rainy days that people are no where to be found. Have they given up? Where did they all go too? They must be inside on the tread mill. They are not outside. Oh believe me I thought many times about giving up. Oh that would be so easy. But there is something inside saying this is the new you. This is how we do it now. You like the results and they were not easy to come by so continue on the path that you started. It is worth all the sweat and tears. OH yes and some days there are tears. You would think that losing weight was the hardest of the journey, not so. Maintaining is so very hard. Put on 5lbs and I feel every bit of it running. But the good thing is I know what I need to do it get it off. Or at least not to do to put more on. A learning curve is needed here. I know what makes me happy and feel good about myself. That is a good thing to know that it is not what other feel about you it is YOU! Growth it is happening. Pleasing oneself the most gratifying and hardest to do. Hardest on the ones we love including self.

Reevaluating oneself again. Ahhhh gotta love it!

Can someone say pass the bean dip!

I had a blast last night. Decided to host my first ever Halloween party as a couple with Joe yesterday. Together we put alot of work planning it and Joe worked really hard on getting the barn ready. Didn't get the response from people we invited but those who camed seemed to have had a good time. I was pleased with how it all turned out. Now the mess to clean up today yeah! Thanks to all who attended, it was appreciated. And to those of you who couldn't come you missed out! Costumes where super. A for effort there. Glad I did it won't do it again. Na never say never it comes back and bites harder than the first time.

Pull Out the Bitesplint

Why is it that everything to worry about is worse at nite. Is it because you finally take the time to think about everything. In turn give everything the worst possible situation. What a restless night. Woke up twice in a panic. Why not real sure why? Was it something I ate or something that was said or not said too me? None the less it is morning but still dark so the feelings are still real and not quite calmed down.

Why do we worry about the uncontrollable? Why does one seem to worry more than the next? Is it in the genes? Is it something that we can work on and get better at? Or is it getting worse with age? Would it make a difference if there was someone to share it with? Especially in the dark. Time again the pull out the bitesplint-my jaws hurt.

Waiting for the light to get a better perspective on everything. The "what matters" and the "not so much of what matters". Need a good run to clear my head. Hopefully it is not raining tonight. Needed it yesterday but weather made me stay home. Ate a bunch of chocolate though. Guess it could be something I ate. Ha ha. Deep breaths deep breaths. Evaluate what needs my attention. Looking forward to my vacation-40 days you know. But know that I have to clear through the "junk" before I can rest. One more breath. It all works out. Venting in the dark!

Realizing Why

Coming to grips with age. Knowing that we are not indestructible. Knowing that we are born so that we can die. Oh yea, I know that but what to do when it is staring you in the face and you have to deal with it. We all have a date marked on the calender-some sooner some later.

In the past seven years, I have been granted a gift. A realization that life is short and precious. Sometimes we need to make more of an effort into it to get the returns that we desire. Things are not just given they are earned. Walk the high road and returns are great. I have learned through my own type of deaths that there is light at the end. Turn to the Lord and he will get your through all your storms. The big and the little ones-if you give it too him. My dad told me that many years ago and I didn't know what that meant or how to do that. Time, learning, and observing-now I know.

I would have never thought that I would be here-in this place-in this state of mind seven years ago. My life was headed down a different path. Not necessarily a bad one but not a full filling one. It still amazes me today that if I would have taken a different fork-where would I be. Don't get me wrong I am happy for where I am. I am grateful for all I have and who is in my life. I know my Father. He has given me the ability to truly get to know my mom and dad. I am grateful to see the "gifts" I have. Some don't allow for that to happen until it is too late. I am glad that I see it sooner than later. Once again Life is short! Are you where you want to be and who you want to share it with? Are you doing all you want to do? Are you making a difference in others life? Do you even care?

Time to dig the layers of dirt off. Find the plant. And stop and smell the roses...we all have them!

Eleven Years ago... A Boy!

Woke up today at approximately the same time I did eleven years ago. Hard to believe that my first born son is eleven today. Where did all those years go to? I don't feel that old. Does it happen over night? One day their babies and the next day they are having their own? Is that how it feels mom and dad?

Time seems to go so fast and the older I get the more that that seems true. Only 51 more days and I will be 40. That is just plain crazy. Not worried or stressing about it, it is only a number. I feel that I look good and have a better attitude then 10years ago. So that is proof positive that it is attitude that gets you by, not the digits you have.

Contemplating about the past choices I have made. Looking back on all the forks in the road. If I would have gone left instead of right? Where would I be today? Would it have been better or in the end do we get the best now? I think that. Remember I wrote long ago that we are where we should be now. Sometimes it just takes time and lessons to get here. Trying to understand the lessons is the hard part. Sometimes it shows up along the path, the why it happened that way and sometimes we never know. I am grateful to know some on my Whys in life. Some are still a mystery that I guess I don;t need to know just yet. Still on my journey. Many forks ahead. Happy and positive that life is good. Looking forward to the future and what it has instore for me. Life is good if we let it. Enjoy!

Debate..

Entering a new phase of life. Changes seems to be happening if wanted or not. "Our economy is bad? Gas is up, and how are you going to heat the house this winter? I am constantly reminded about how it is on the outside-by my patients. I hear more and more the "whoas" of society. Am I the local bartender? I have no idea how I am doing it or how it will work in the future. I know that I put a lot of faith in God and know that if he gets me this far, he will get me through.

Oh I am not living with rose colored glasses. I know that I have to make wise choices and not live above my means. I thought the other day that while the patients keep coming in, I need to work. So add a day here and there and save. Christmas is fast approaching and my 4oth is right around the corner. The youngest asked the other day about how much stuff cost? How much I make? I was quick to point out "bills of the month". I think he got it. I hope that they see that money doesn't grow on trees. Trying to teach lessons with out the having to go to school. Everyday stuff that is in his life. Importance of saving up to buy something that is worth more than the moment.

Saying a little prayer, realize that I am thankful for "ALL" I have. And I don't mean just the "STUFF".

R U Wondering???????

Have you been hanging on to your hat in wondering how the "off" day went? Well kids didn't sleep in, they have their mother alarm clock inside of them. Up at 6:15 and wondering why the clocks where unplugged? Remember when you had a snow day and you woke up to your mom saying go back to bed you have no school? That only made you more excited to get up and look at the snow or watch the news to hear it yourself. So anyways I let them get their hour of TV in and said we have stuff to do. And the groaning began. "It is a day off we need to have fun". Oh you better believe this is going to be fun.

Started out with the fact that they will get a bigger allowance and slurppee if they run with me. Well long story short the bedrooms are clean (4 garbage bags later) and vacuumed and I have a good feeling. That was hanging over my head for weeks no months. Every time I thought we could get it done something came up better than worrying about clean bedrooms.

I got in a decent run with out boys because slurppee where not that important but playing with "lost toys" where. Another good feeling. Made the boys go to the store to get last minute stuff for the party and felt with no boys. So happened that two moms where shopping too and wanted to relieve me of my motherly duties. Which in turn meant time to finish the cleaning of my house! Funny how that works. If we only continue to look on the bright side, it does show through!

Feeling a bit more completed. Jobs well done and it have my hair. Thin and grey but still have it. Looking forward to slow down a bit and let the cold weather take over. Meaning more cuddles in blankets and decaf coffee. Don't forget the baths, my half hour get away. Looking at my cup half filled and wanting to add a little Bailey's to it!

Aww Come On

Another day off and a ton of things planned. Finish cleaning the house for the Pampered Chef party I have planned tonite. Go grocery shopping for the last minute stuff I need. Go for a long run (haven't done that in a long time). Get out Halloween stuff to start decorating the yard. Finish laundry and strip beds for the week. So much planned and the it hits at 6am- no school water main break! NO! Well trying to find the positive, boys are cleaning their rooms! Been wanting to work on that for weeks and no time for it so...incentives, incentives. They want so cold hard cash so I finish the downstairs and they stay in the upstairs. Funny how things work. Going to make this work to my advantage. Already shut off their alarms so they sleep in and the BOOM they won't know what hit them. Quality time with the boys too. Spelling and reading for a Slurpee and bike ride there for exercise. It is all going to work and if it doesn't you will hear about it. The ups and downs of life. Grateful to have them.

Three Reasons Why!

I can honestly say there are only a hand few that really get me and who really know who I am. One person in particular I am constantly reminded just doesn't get me. He is quick to cut me down and let me know about all the faults in me. Why does that negativity seem to cut so deep? Why do I even let him get to me? Does his point of view even matter? Did it in the past or just now? How can I turn away and say that it doesn't matter nor does he?

Well I look at three reasons everyday. Three reasons why to try to find the good. Three reasons why to try and get along. Three reasons why I need to turn the other cheek and know that I am ok. Three reason why to forgive the unforgivable. Three reasons why...

Oh It Is Thursday...Day Off. Guess Again

Nothing says fun like a day off. Though yesterday was no day off. I knew in my head all the things I wanted to accomplish and needed to for some sense of satisfaction. And with the help of two very wonderful and loving people (mom and dad) we got things done. The stuff that you put off until it nags at you and even wakes you up. My yard looks fantastic!

I even had enough energy to go for a run at nite. All said and done, I was exhausted. I think I will work on the inside today and do the grocery shopping. Never ends when your a parent. Feeling better about all the craziness in my life. Learning to bend instead of break (down). Amazing how just a little organization on the outside can do wonders for the inside.

Thanks faithful readers for the love and support. Sometimes that is all we and TIME. Feeling more back on track.

Ugh

When running isn't doing it for me. Now what? Try again tomorrow? I know that if your head is there your body will follow. Well my head is at work, running kids, trying to figure simple easy meals for the kids to make themselves. Waking up in the middle of the night because T doesn't know his multiplication and C uniforn is not washed. Oldest daughter's science project is due Monday and we only have 5 leaves done. Surely not on running or fitness. I am more tired now than when I was running everyday for 3-5 miles. I am exhausted! The funnny thing about it is that it is more work than physical. That can take a lot out of you. Now if it only made you lose weight. Wouldn't that be great!

Amen

Inspiration is key. I am finding out that I have inspired a few people to do things a little bit different. That is a good feeling. Knowing that what I have done- differently-changes people and how they see them self. That is a good feeling. Confidence in oneself never underestimated. Take it and run I say. Never pass up a chance to accept a heart felt compliment. Humble oneself.

Time Will Pass...

Crazy how things work. This week has been so busy I don't know if i am coming or going. It seems like everyone wants something and they wanted it yesterday. I have tried to be efficient in all I do but when it comes down to planning things down to the minute that is too much. Friday is a so call day off but today it is so jammed pack if I hit a boat or a train it can go to pot. Now that is too busy.

Before getting out of bed I said a little prayer to do the best I can. Let go of that I can't get accomplish and be ok with the end results. Trust in the fact that I am a good mom. Deep breathes again and again and again.

Adjusting

More seeds planted yesterday. Did you ever take the time and wonder why people come into your life? Went to work praying for a change in attitude. Knew I couldn't hold on to the negative and why would I? The power of prayer. Patients came in one by one and I seen my attitude change slowly. What they had to say or what problems they came in with. My job is worse than a bartenders sometime. It is amazing what an ear will do for some people. And why not because that is all we need sometimes. Spit it out and then we can let it go. Sometimes that simple. Glad I can help but in reality they where helping me!

Asking For Help...Screaming

When things turn for the worse and you don't know how to fix the problem. You wouldn't even know where to begin. What do you do? Run away? Na that didn't work. Problem still there and bigger yet. Now what? Who do you rely on? Who do you call?

Working on the past still! Holding on to ill feelings. When do we let it go? Time? There has been a lot of that. Deep breaths and one more. Seems to help? Not so sure. Trying to stay positive for the future. God brought me here and he will get me out. Faith! Huge.

Let It Rain...Not Flood

Trying to look at the positive today and it is raining. Basement is flooding and I am scrambling to clean it up. It was cleaned a year ago and everything was off the basement floor. So how did that happen? Laziness I guess. Sometimes we are forced into looking at that which we don't want to. Kind of like a problem that we sweep under the table and it keeps resurfacing until we hit it head on. Fix the problem so that you don't have to deal with it anymore. That would be nice. But what if you don't know what the problem is or how to go about fixing it? Stew!

Yep been pondering the wet basement for years. Keep it organized and up off the floor and you mask the problem. But the rains come, as they always do and wet is the basement again. Things are picked up for now, guess I will go for a run. No it won't solve anything but I do my best thinking there. And You and I know that this isn't about a wet basement at all!

Wake Up and Go

Decided to dis the am workout knowing that I will be home early to get in a significant run today before I have to run someone somewhere. It has been two weeks of pure hectic and doesn't seem to be getting better. I thought I would get in some routine and it would feel better. No. Weather is getting colder and I want to just hibernate. The cold seems to go right thru me. I guess it is time to put away tanks and shorts and get ready. Why I am fighting it so bad? Because still haven't found that winter hobby yet.

Deep breaths again. Waiting for the wave of happiness when all things just flow without a lot of hard work. Auto pilot if you will. Tired and need a break.

Sunday Come and Gone

Well this morning woke to a beautiful sun rise. Quick to get the paper and drink some coffee. I love to do that and miss it so much since I dis the paper. Now I have to get dressed and go get the paper. Hate that. Went to Church with Joe and M. I do miss my kids when they are not able to go. It was a great service. The Pastor talked about marriage and he assured us in the next four weeks he is going to talk to us "single" folks too.

After service, I was quick to plan my so called day off. Grocery shop first. Boy it is funny how all summer you can go without so much of this and that and then school starts and you can't seem to just wing it. The bad thing about not having the kids go with you is that you have to carry it all in by yourself and that just plain SUCKS! I put a way the colds and was quick to go get the grass cut. The sun was out and I wanted to enjoy that. Hour and half later off for a run. I thought a quick one but I know I have to get back in the swing and I had the time to do a long one sooooo. 6 miles later I was home. Shower quick because children will be home and hungry. Dinner and cleanup and bribe with ice cream if they all pick in and help with the rest of the groceries and dinner dishes. Cool the house is looking ok and I don't think I will be a panic in the morning. Throw some clothes in the wash and off to bed.
Whew. I am tired. Crazy life, my life, who wants to be a part?

Weekend...Rest. I Don't Think So

The weekend finally here and we made it. What you would think is that the running comes to a end and things can get done here. Not so fast. The kids will be waking up to go to Meijers and finish up the school list that I forgot to buy. New shoes that they have to have. And you know that it isn't just pencils and erasers but disinfectant wipes and index cards. We are supplying the overworked and underpaid teachers now. Public school is not free anymore.

As soon as the shopping is done, it is off to football pictures for T. Then go get some sort of nutritional lunch. During the game at some point, I will be leaving to get C to his game at a different location that will begin during the middle of number one son's game. Immediately after C game, their dad will take them all to the place that they will be racing MX on Sunday morning. They go the day ahead so that they are prepared for the next morning that starts at 8am and continues Thur 6pm. Whew did you keep up with me. Yes, this is my life and I wouldn't change it well yes and no. Trying to get Casey involved in something, but seriously not sure I can squeeze any more at this time. I would if there was something she would want to do. She is a great supporter of her brothers.

I am opting not to go to the races on Sunday. Feeling of guilt have come and gone and will come again. But I need to stay home and make my house a home. Friday I started to clean but I need to cut grass and grocery shop. Yes I do realize that my children come first and I don't need a clean home. But clean home=clear head. And that is what I need! I feel pulled in all directions and that is not good for me and for my kids. They will suffer if I am running around like a mad woman on Monday morning. And the practices all start up again. Fall ball and football season just started. Not to mention that homework will be flooding in. Running and biking is there any time for that? I have worked so hard and I don't want that to fall to way side because once again the kids do suffer. When momma isn't happy no one is happy.

Wow huge thoughts for a early morning. These are a few on my concerns. Trying to keep it all together before I loose it. Trying to do what my shrink told me 8 years ago...journal. Lucky yous. You never thought you would be a part of my healing did you?

Disappointment...Not Mad

We expect it to happen all through life. But what to do when it happens unexpected and without warning? And from someone who is suppose to up hold and stand by. As parents we are suppose to be the strong ones. The one who don't let you down and can deal with all of the unexpected. Well we try but at times we fail.

I heard a patient of mine tell me that I love my children too much not to let them fall and make some mistakes. Let them learn in small ways instead of in the back seat of a police car. How true is that!

Dealing with my own disappointments too. Who do we turn too? The only one who is there all the time...God. Glad I finally found him.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I Made it ...Today

Well the day started out at 430am. Amazing how that internal clock still knows when to kick and when not too. Start with coffee and gazell and update with the news. Quick to get in the shower and then start the big breakfast that I cook every first day. Then 615 rings and the boys are up. Wide eye and ready. "Can we watch TV ?" Ok lets go over the rules for school~No TV on school days. Then what do we do for the next hour? Well I don't know but Im sure there is alot to get ready for.

Bus suppose to be here at 640am way early and I will not make the kids go if it is that early. So we wait and the bus arrives at 700am. "yes this is the time I will be picking up the boys." Great I don't have to to drop them off because you know that eventually it will get later and later and then I will be late for work. I can see the writing on the walls. So two mad boys go to school. That is ok and they will get over it and do until tomorrow.

Come home to run in and get two boys to practice. One one way and the other the other direction. Both have a practice at 530 and I get out of work at 5~sometimes. So rush here and there to go home to find the eldest sick to her stomach and head pounding. Lay down and I will stay with you. But I promised the youngest that I would come and watch him play for a while. So wait til the ones get sick and then feels better and off I go. Hoping she will fall asleep for a while.

Now 730 and I am home and no dinner yet. A thought is all I have right now. So start and it will all fall in place. In the meantime the first son comes home from another practice and need some jewel necessities and can't play football until he has them. Well it is now 8 and no one has eaten yet and we still need showers and go over all the paper work sent on the first day. "Oh yea I can run out and do that." A cup how does one even get fitted for that? So a quick call to Jaja-he will know what to do and usually has the time to do it. Thanks dad!

Ahhh finally everyone in bed and we did it. All to do it again tomorrow. Forgot to get stuff for lunches PB &J for tomorrow. That will be fine. As for the rest of the supplies needed that is a Thursday job when I only work half a day. Don't know how you working moms do it. Challenging that is for sure. As for now all is well and it is time for bed. The saga continues.

New Phase

Well new phase starting again. Summer is done and I have no idea where it went, or even what we did. School starts today and I like the kids have mixed emotions. Ready to get back to a schedule. But want to be able to go when I want too. But I qguess you can't have it both ways?

My routine has been a little off lately. Have gotton into some bad habits that it is time to nip it if you will. I am a little bit lazy with the running. Only doing it 5x a week and not taking it to the distance like I did before. Maybe a bit burnt out on that one. Going to get back to the basic. Waking at 5am and doing my gazell for an half hour. I am starting to pay my children 25 cents to remind me to do my sit ups at nite and 25 more if they do them with me. Looking back to losing the weight that was hard but maintaining is so much harder. But I have core and that is what tells me take a brake but get right back to it the next day. Well the next day is here and I am ready to get back to the basics!

Setting some new goals. Weight training is one of them. Going to look into a membership for the whole family to Delta. The kids can swim and I can do some weight lifting. Toning is on my list. Cancun is right around the corner and so is 40. Doesn't seem to bother me or does it? I am sure I will be writing on that one is the future months. Well for those who have stuck it out with me through the non writing times~I am back. No I don't think it will be everyday but I think it will be more than once a week. So continue on with me and lets see where this phase takes me.

Times a Changing

Running, a time to think. Weather is changing. I am changing. Trying new things with some new people. Liking what I am doing. Kids are changing too. Balking the system if you will. Spreading their wings and testing me. One day a lunch they all seem to gang up on me with the help of others which will go nameless for now. "Mom your too over protective." You don't let us do anything. But dad lets us do that."

Different house, different rules. Yea I will admit it is hard to see them growing up. Especially the youngest. Will probably always see him as a baby. More of that letting go thing. Even let the words slip if you think it is so bad go live with your father. Opps. That will probably be tried a few times or more and do I really want to see that? Maybe living with mom not such a bad thing. Rules, schedules and expectations not a bad thing. But will they see it that way?

Burrrrrrrr

It is getting colder and the days are getting shorter. You know what that means. Fall and then the dreaded winter. Still looking for that hobby. Need to keep active. Need to keep busy. Kids are in some fall sports that will keep me busy but gotta find something for me.

I hate waking up cold. Recently I have been sleeping in until 6 or later. But now it is getting chilly I am up at 5 bells. Thought I was changing that. Nope wide awake at 5. So get up but I also notice hard to keep my eyes open at 9. Changing like the seasons.

Speaking of changing...went on a motorcycle trip to UP last weekend and hated to ride my bike. Got caught in the rain twice(and they said it wasn't going to rain). Noticed that I was cold more than I wanted to be. Even thought of putting it up for sale as soon as I clean it. Now what up with that? That is changing. Never thought you would hear me say FOR SALE and not have another one in the wings. It just doesn't seem to be that important or enjoyable anymore. And isn't that how life should be? Do what makes you happy? Change, re discover yourself, try some new things? Now I know why some go through mid life crisis. But does it have to be a negative? Nada. Think I am discovering for the first time. Who is Denise? What makes her tick? What makes her smile? Before I think I went with what comes next. We go to college, get a degree, get married, and have kids, It is how it is suppose to go. Then some where in the mix, we lose our self. Not necessarily a bad thing but we forget what we want and need to do for ourselves. I think we all go through it just all at different times. I am glad to know that I am going through it when I don't have a husband that may or may not suffer because of it, not that that has to happen that way. But from experience, it usually does. Why because of lack of communication. That simple!

Wow where did that come from? Wasn't going to even blog today. Guess it was time.

Deep Breaths

Time for rest. It has been a very busy week of work work and more work. Time to come home and bike or go for a quick run. The house is quiet and calm. No kids, no tv or radio. Just the hum of of the refrigerator and a passing car outside. Something to be said about quiet. Time to think, wonder and contemplate. Where do I want to be? Where am I going? Will I know when I arrive?

It is quiet now. But that is only temporary? That is a good thing. Life is meant be with someone, someones. Share the good and the bad, the ups and downs, and everything in between. Lean when your about to fall over. Rub a tiring head when the ache just doesn't seem to want to go away.

It is good to be able to rest while knowing someone is keeping watch. Comfort in knowing. Able to truly let go and know that it will be ok when the resting is done. Giving up a bit of responsibility and knowing that it is still there. Good feeling. Just knowing.

Ughhhhhhhhh

What to do when you feel it? Crabbiness, irritation, shortness coming on and you don't know how to stop it. Hormones that only a women knows. Man knows to stay away. The kids are learning. Promises you made that you have too keep because you promised. "You said a friend could sleep over, you said we would go to A&W and eat in the new car." "You said we would go swimming today, go to the library and to the bank." Oh you spilled your whole root beer on the floor. Oh that is ok. You said we would do this and that. But when your tired and all you want to do it vegg. What to do? Well you mustard up all that you have and you proceed. You route out the activities of the day and go. Then when all is done, you go for a run because that is a sense of peace for you. And it seemed to help. At least for the moment.

Well today is a new day. Try to put on a new attitude. Hope that you got enough sleep to do the challenging weekend. Going to some cabins with five kids. Want to make it fun. No electricity in cabins, no game boys, no tv. Good Old fashion get back to nature. It sounds like the Norman Rockwell picture but it always looks better on paper. Want to be fun mom once in awhile. Do something a bit different from the norm and hope it goes over well.

Putting on a better attitude. Gonna go with the flow and hope it pans out. I am excited to go. Making memories that will last! I hope.

Who Do We Feed?

Recently, I have been reminded that we have the power to feed both the good and bads in this world. Why do people thrive on all the "negatives" of the world? Is it so much more interesting in life? Does it makes "us" feel better about our self if we make others feel worse? Well, we do have the power to give in to it or reject it. Feed it and it grows. Walk away and it will loose interest and die, or at least waits til we re fuel it.

Isn't it funny that we can and do have the power to see situations in both good and bad light. In Church the other day the sermon was about "why does bad things happen to good people?" It is what it is. Things happen and it is up to us to see how we handle it. We fuel the fire and it is up to us to tend to it. Wow more choices. I hope that when we see that there is only negative in a situation that you have a positive energy in your life to tell you different. It is easy to see the bad~sometimes we have to "uncover" the good. That may mean a little work on our parts to do that. It may require a bit of a soul search but it is there if you want it too be.

So what do you feed? The power is with you not with the one dishing. Except or reject. Know that I support the positive. Hold someones hand for that may one day you need that same hand supporting you!

Wow Can't Believe It

Well race #6 in the bag. I finished in 3rd in my age group, not to mention I shaved 1.15 minutes off my time. That is way cool and I feel accomplished. I didn't go out planning to win anything but I gave it my all and it payed off. Even had my boyfriend and sister and brother in it too. That was cool in itself. Support is always welcomed and makes life that more easy to get through. Not to mention much more interesting.

Well Im at my family reunion now so it is time to get back to family. Continue on my journey with me~it is getting interesting.

Deep Breath

Busy, busy overwhelmed. This week I was on the go. Working daily and trying to prepare for the reunion. Sleep hasn't been the best but when you have a lot on your mind I guess it comes out in how you sleep. Not finishing all you set out to do and trying to do it in the wee hours becomes exhausting. Worry worry why do we do it? And is it possible to give it away?

They say worry is a useless emotion, but who is they and do they have the power to say that? I have been trying to do that~worry less. Whatever will be~will be. Good thought but practical?~not so sure.

Not sure if you seen a professor the other day on tv. He was a young guy who was going to die and he had 3 young kids. He knew that he couldn't beat the cancer so he gave a "last lecture". I think you can find it on U tube. Anyways it was so touching, he was leaving a video diary to his kids on how to live.

And isn't that the nuts and bolts of it all, we are so busy working, worrying, making money, spending money. We forget to live. When was the last time you skipped just because? Picked a flower and truly smelled it? Made someone laugh? Kissed or hugged someone and meant it?

Life is short! You know the saying~dance like no ones watching. No one is watching. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. We need that more. Love like you have never been hurt. Time to try that one!

Just a little reminders that we need to hear from time to time. Life is short. Are you doing what you want to do? Do you care? Remembering what is important.

Day Off?????? Not!

Nothing like a day off. Or is it? Nah gotta do a lot of stuff today. Barn cleaning is on top of the list. Hate that one. Will have lots of help today. First though is run. Gotta do that then I know it is done. Just waiting to get that burst of energy that is taking it's time getting here.

Then after barn worked on, fun with the kids. They have been looking forward to mom not having to go to work. Looking back I didn't realize how important it was to have mom home. I just took it for granted that she would always be there and she was. What a different feeling it must be to know that I am not there. Well only a phone call away but is that the same?

Important to spend quality time with the kids not just quantity. Alot of times it is the stuff that I want to do. Like we road bikes to mom and dad's yesterday and you would have thought that I was making them ride a marathon. Trying to get some fun in along with exercise. Hard to do sometimes. Trying to get the kids to see that exercise can be fun. I thought that they would learn through example but that isn't cutting it. I am trying not to push them but nudge them along. Trying to get them to see the benefits at a young age so that they won't have to struggle all their life like I did. Height is not on our side. So we do have to work harder at it. Staying active and eating healthy. Trying! It is a journey in itself. Easier when your in good company though. Are you in good company? I am!

Early Morning Thoughts...

Are people put in your life at certain times to make you think? Do things just happen or where they there to prove something or make you think about things?

Had a 84 yr old woman in my chair yesterday and she was having a hard time taking care of her 89 yr old husband. Together for 65 yrs and she didn't want to put him in a home because he didn't want to go. She went on to tell me that he is a big man and she was barely 4 11. She said that he likes to shower but all she can do is a sponge bath. My heart went out to her. There was obvious love here. She didn't know what to do or where to turn. I told her that she needed to take care of herself first. Talk about some great places out there that may help. Even gave her my number if she needed someone since I am close by. Giving up control doesn't mean you don't care. Asking for help doesn't make you weak. Obvious to me that these two are in love and that is forever in their book. So...

Why do we take the easy way out? I seem to be coming in contact with more and more couples who stand the test of time and seem to really enjoy their mate. I am always compelled to ask the question... How do you do it? What is the secret? She answered with no pause" we are best friends." Is that what it takes?

It is one thing to love someone but to like them, truly like, that can be the challenge. I think I am going to start asking if they like themselves and see if there is a correlation. I think it has to start with ourselves and blossom from there.

Early morning thoughts when it is raining out and running is just isn't in the cards today, well at least not now. Trying to realize what is and is not important in life. Can change from time to time. But there is always the core that we come down too. Love of God and oneself. If you have core, it can always work!

Need a Little Sunshine

Normally when I get up, I am ready to go. My feet hit the floor and it is a great day. Today I feel a bit down. It is still dark out. No sun yet and not sure what the forecast is. Why does the weather affect how our moods are? How do we make it sunny and 78 in our world all the time? Attitude! How do we get that? Try to go to that sunny place and stay there until the outside wants to agree. Why do we let those little insignificant things so influence how we see things?

It has to rain sometimes so that our gardens grow. If we where happy all the time would we truly know how it is too be happy? Would we recognize it or would just plain take it for granted? Are we taking the "good" people in our lives for granted? Do we tell them what they do for us and how they affect our daily lives?

Reevaluating what is important and what is just "stuff". Will it matter in 20yr is what I have been saying alot when I come to a dilemma. I would say that 99% of the time it is NO. If it truly matters I probably wouldn't ask the question, I would just know.

Life can be overwhelming if you take it on as a whole. But if you split it up into one day at a time, it can be manageable. Sometimes one hour at a time is all that you can handle. What ever you have to do to get through those dark mornings because the sun is just beyond the clouds. Time heals all.

So just breathe. And smile. You know that you look better that way anyways.

Do You Really Know Me????????

Just wanted to share some little known facts about me.

Did you know that my favorite ice cream is choc chip mint and rarely do I eat anything else and have been known to go someone where else if they don't carry it.
My favorite color is red.
I scare very easily.
If I were a candy bar i would be a snicker.
I want to own a small house on a lake or water someday.
I would like to become a motivational speaker one day but I am not sure what I would say.
One thing I would change about me if I could would be the thickness of my hair.
My favorite feature is my eyes.
That is the first thing I look at when I meet someone.
If I won a million dollars, I would quit my job.
I would like to remarry someday.
I really do dislike steak.
My weakness is nacho chips and cheese.
I prefer hot and spicy foods.
I like me.
I didn't before.
I am very emotional.
And that is a good thing.
I am touchy feelly with those I am comfortable with.
If I had to do it all again I would.
I would never change a thing.
It makes me who I am today.
I am Denise. I am positive (today). I am grateful. I am thankful. I will continue on my journey, one step at a time. Stay and enjoy me.

Dwelling

I did something yesterday that I haven't done in a long time...I stayed home. Oh yea I did my certain routine everyday things but I told myself it was time to dwell. It seems that when the kids are not around~I am off. What is it about being alone that I don't like. Is it a bad thing?

I made my list (cuz you know that is what I do) and I started checking it off. I figured start in one room and work your way through the whole house. Well the list got made and as I started, one thing lead into another and I still have the list. Isn;t it funny how a clean house doesn't seem to impress any one but yourself. And no one seems to even see that the grass got cut.

What is important to one is not to another. The older I get, the less that "things" matter. I will never be known for my clean house but I may be known for a my smile. I will not have the most "stuff" to pass on to my kids but maybe they will stop and smell the roses. I think that I am trying to live life more like that. I hope that my kids will know God like I do. That is the important things.

It was good to stay home yesterday. Realizing what is important and what is just "stuff".

Hear Me Now...Listen Later?

Why are we so quick to say "huh" what did you say or total ignore the person. I believe in this fast pace lifestyle we lead we need to "touch" that person to let them know that we want their attention. The pure sound of one's voice just doesn't seem to cut it anymore.

Why is that? Are we so busy in ourselves? So wrapped up in our work that it doesn't seem to phase us? I can honestly say that I am sick of saying things two and three times before someone hears me. But do I hear the first time? I am trying. It has taken "opened eyes" to realize the importance of this. When it is being ignored. I seem to get a bit irritated. "Do you not hear them?" "Are you not listening?" Touch them physically and they will give their attention. Sometimes?

What if what I have to say is truly important? Not something to be taken lightly? What if you miss it? Will I say it again? Don't just hear me, listen to what I am truly saying to you. I sometimes speak in code but if you know me, you will know what I am saying.

I am worthy of your attention. Did you hear what I am saying?

Good Times and Great Friends

Yesterday took time to catch up with some old and new friends. Went over to friends house and had drinks on the patio and just talked. When was the last time you took time to just reacquaint yourself with friends? It was a great nite. Laughter was not a problem. Stories of catching up on what have you been doing with your life was plentiful. Smell the roses I say. Life is short and I think that there are those out there who are missing the boat. It was a wonderful evening being with the ones you love. So when you say "hey we need to get together...set a date and do it!"

I don't think you will regret it unless you don't mean it. Had a great nite. Cam.

Miles Stones

New mile stone met. Yesterday while on a family vacation, I ran my first 8k. Oh yea I ran five miles before but not in a race. Why do I run these races? I know that Im not going to win and I get all knotted up before them. But I think it is the challenge that Im looking for. The respect that I can do this and I am doing this.

Looking back there is no way that Denise would run a race. But she is! Many times the subject comes up~Do people change? Can they? I would have said no before a 2yrs ago. You know the saying once a cheater always one. Ok bad example but everyone has heard that one before. Well I do believe that we can and do change. For many it has to come down to the core, life changing moment. I truely believe that you have to surrender to it and give it to God before transformation can take place. My dad talked about giving it to God some 8 years ago and I didn't quite get that...now I do. It is that lite bulb that goes off in your head and you realize how it all works. Well at least a small part of how it all works.

Anyway back to the road race, I set the goal and I finished it. Even got fourth place! Not too mention that there was only 6 in my age division. But that doesn't matter. Another thing that matters is who is there in the end. Support is always good and that makes the race a bit easier to know that someone is there to hold you up when you want to die. And oh yes I wanted too die after this one.

Life is a race. Some of us sign up early in the game and others are forced to enter, late in the game. There are those who set along the side line and just watch. Possiblly cheering others on or wishing that they could enter the race. And still others are putting on the race running it to make sure it all goes as planned. Helping others get through there race so that they may race another.

So are you running your own personal race? Or are you waiting til the race is done? We have limited time here. Make the difference in your life and there too will make a difference in someone elses. I have seen it first hand and it does work. I am a firm believer. Thanks for all your support!

Transitions

Switching roles can be very difficult to do. I hold so many titles and trying to put on the hat that is needed can be hard to do. Not that I can't do it but the transition time that is required is tricky.

When the kids come home on Sunday from a long hard week with dad and I haven't had ample time to adjust to mom mode...hmmmmm can be a little stressed. Different rules in a different house. It all works but there is adjustment time needed. Summers are busy,busy with little structure and that can tend to "freak" me out! Working on the "will it matter in 20yrs" thinking but I need to be reminded of it at times.

Faith in knowing that this is where I am suppose to be at this time...challenging. Giving up control of others~another put my faith in~that it does all eventually work and work for the better. Trust in others that they are there to help and learning to except the help another story. More letting go of past so that there may be a future. Sometimes not more than a breath in and out.

Live, Laugh and Love. Words to live by. Think I am doing an ok job at it...most of the time!

One, Two, Three ??????? No Can't DO It

I sure can see how, you get out of running for a couple of days,it is hard to get back into it. Took the weekend off after a very hard run on Thursday. Needed it, I think. But woke up Monday morning and knew that if I didn;t do it this morning there would be no time tonite. So Off I went. It was a hard 4 miles but it is done for now. Ever think about how you see you in the future? Visualize where you want to be? That made me run this morning because I sure did not want to get out of bed. It was warm, safe and secure there and outside it was cool and rainy. But I have my site set for where and how the future will be layed out.

Oh yea, I know things happen and plans change but if you don't see it~will it ever become? I think it is important to set goals and see them through. I have set a few for me. Hard work, determination and the love of God. It has gotten me this far. Believe me it hasn't been easy but it has been all worth it.

So set some goals and see them through. The best is yet too be. Journey on my friends!

Spent, Whipped and Draggin

Ran my first night time race and I almost died. If you know me nite time is not my time to do anything. I am a 5 am kind of girl and after 5pm there is little that this girl is doing. Well I was geeked for the race feeling a little jittery for it. But I knew that I had to do it. I knew at about 1.5 miles I would have my name sakes cheering me on. It was about 85 degrees and humid. Not what I am accustom to running in.

I was tired starting out and had a hard time getting in the curve. The boys even ran a block or two along side of me. That made me proud. I did manage to put a bit of a kick at the end but I was so tired. Glad that one is done and looking for a early morning one. That is all for now. Still running my own race at my own pace and loving it well for the most part!

Didn't Want To

Didn't want to run this morning. Alarm didn't go off but internal one did. So I dragged myself out of bed and hit the pavement. Slow going, but then the new music I got put on-kicked in. (Thanks Bill) I know the rewards today that I have my workout already put in will hit me later. As for now Im just tired. The feel good will come after the shower.

Rewards for doing a job well done. At work that can be few and far between. It is usually "that is a little sensitive or do you have to do that". But once in awhile I will get that was a job well done. Thank you for making my gums bleed. I know that what I am doing is what they need but rarely do they view it that way.

Knowing that what you do~you do well, can be priceless. But what if you know that you where meant to do more than that. What if you know that you are here to do great things? Inspire someone someway? Knowing that there is more than just pearly whites? Do you just wait til it presents itself? How long do you wait? Will you be called? Will you hear the call? Will you be smart enough to know when to say when? More questions????? Am I 40 yet? Nope 29 forever!

Who Is Teaching Who?

My kids are funny. I can see more and more that they are growing up and humor in the Kayner house is something to be said. Carson has always been the comedian but Casey is quickly filling those shoes. Just sit here for one dinner and the stuff that comes out of their mouths is hysterical. They definitely have their mom's humor. It is good to see the maturity levels going up. They are good kids and I am very fortunate to have them. Pondering that they are growing up and I am still 29. How does that happen?