The Reason???

Was out and about with the hubby yesterday trying to get all the loose end tied up. I think we did it. Shopping is fun but when it is with a whole lot of people who don't know what they want or don't want to be there at all...well frustrations sets in.
We had a plan and we had the list and off we went. I think it was a success. The people who wear pj bottoms out in the public is widespread. I think we seen every walk of life. For the most part the cashiers where cheery but I think alot of that had to do with Joe. He somehow has a way of making one smile. It could be a comment or one of his all time" funny jokes." It was good though. I think we needed one on one time to connect. It was nice to come home and just be. Today will begin with a walk with the Lord and then wrap it all up.
Next is the grocery shopping. I am hoping to get that in today. Work for the next two days and then relax well I hope for that. I pray that the kids are not disappointed. It gets harder as they get older. Thankful for the "stuff" we can provide and hopeful that it is not what they base their life on!

Reminding us

www.theinterviewwithgod.com

Realization

Life is hard, we know that is true. But what is truly hard is seeing how broken some really are. I deal with people all day long and lately I feel like the bartender. So many out there that need a ear to hear them. So many that need just a seed. I pray that I am carrier of the Good New that I know to be true. I pray that through me that they receiver a bit of peace. I try to become maybe that one who really does care. If only for a brief moment.
Life is challenging. One moment at a time is all we can ask for. Some times picking up one's cross for a second can make that journey bearable. I know that there have been many times that life was too much for me and someone always stepped in.
Realizing that maybe I do do good sometimes. I do realize that life is a gift and not a given right.
Waking today and thankful for life!

Simple is Better

What am I thankful for? So many things come to mind. The good thing is that I usually wake in the morning and thank God for them. I don't wait until this day comes. I have come to realize that we need to rejoice in what we have every day.
My life has done some amazing transforming lately. I have come to realize what is important and what is just stuff. I just don't need the stuff anymore. In shopping today with Joe. So many people out there trying to get the deal. The stuff that they or their kids have to have. There was a sense of peace that if I got a item that I wanted- good, if not no big deal. My biggest want was shampoo for 69cents. Save thirty cents. Do you have any idea how much shampoo a house of seven can go thru?
A simpler life is what I want. My needs are met daily by hugs and kisses and I love you's. Life is good. Knowing that even BETTER!

Hmmmm

Learning these days to live day by day. There is no for sures. Learning to wait for things- change can happen in a minute. Trying to find fulfillment in a job. Wondering why things happen and what is the meaning behind. Trying patience-some times time is all it needs. Growing in ways not sure I ever would. Seeing things thru others eyes- opening. Learning that it is ok to say no. Or ok to let it not be a family decision but a parental one. Ah life learning things and then realizing that it just doesn't matter in the long run. or at least in seven years. Deep breaths!

Pour Me Another...

Ran in the rain today. Why? Because it is something that I have to do. Do I want to... yes and no. Would I like to just be fit and not do anything about it?...yes stupid question. Why does it come so easy to some and hard for most? They must struggle with those things that we don't have to struggle with. Kinda like those who have great looking hair but ugly teeth. Why are we never happy with all we have to offer? Why do we always shoot for that which seems to be out of our reach or really hard to obtain. Or even just a everyday mountain that we must climb. Weight truly a everyday issue for me and those in my same gene pool.
Trying to be ok with who I am but not stopping and staying here. Fine line I must admit. Feeling good- for the workout is in and over and I am getting back to where I was. Good feeling but one that just stays and festers in the back of my head. Not wanting to return to the one that didn't feel good about one's self. Feeling that keeps me on the wagon. Do you get that??????????

Heavy Sighhhhhhhhhhh

I know that I do make some decisions for the right reason even though to some it may be wrong. But to those it seems wrong- don't live here.
I am a mother who loves her kids and at times may know more then they think.
I too am a former wife to a man that loves his kids also. I too need to let them go when they are with him and hope that history has taught them something.
I have given them the basics for now. I have loved and continue to love them no matter what they decide.
I need to go with "gut" sometimes and not look back.
I need to pray with all the decisions that I make for them and me.
I need to not take things personally from those whom don't love me.
I need to realize that which is important and that will not matter in seven years anyways.
I need to only understand me.
I need to know that I am loved and that is the bottom line.
I need to know that there are those who will never understand me but they never really tried!
I need to know that everyone does not love everyone.
Random thoughts that had to just come out!

Nothing But A Suitcase

My husband just recently blogged about stuff and and that which he brought with him. Trying to fit in and seeing what it is all about. I write today and being on the receiving end of that. Trying to help one fit in and feel welcome. Trying to give up some of the leadership role. That is a hard one for me. For the last several years, I was forced-not asked to take on a role that in no way did I want. I was content on walking the shoes that I was given. But then in a blink of an eye, it changed. Forced into being the mom and dad all in one being. Being the good cop and bad cop. Not ideal but who lives in an ideal world anyway. I think I was handling it all well but who wants to deal with that all by themselves-true fully ???NO ONE!
Isn't funny how at times we are forced to change? When lessons have to be learned and it is time to learn them. I believe that things come about for a reason. Maybe we have become too settled in our life? Not going to grow when we are firmly planted.
How do we deal with change. Oh sometimes kicking and screaming. I know I did. But it all seems to work. And then some change comes about on free will. The kind that you have been preparing for. But in all the preparation time, there are those things that you just can't seem to see coming. It all looks like it will fit until it all actually arrives. Then where do you put it? Places seem to become cramped and filled. Time to reevaluated the needs and wants.
All members of family are gone this weekend-cool time to shop. Was excited to go out and see what I have been missing. I was quickly disappointed. I have the time. I have some money but all I ran across just didn't seem to fill the need. I am ruined for life. Shopping just isn't what I need. Good and bad at the same time. How many shoes does one need?
In my preparing for the additions to the family and going thru all my "stuff", I have found that I really don't need much. That is a good realization. I can understand the way of older folks now, if they need it -they buy it. And really isn't that how it should be?
Stuff is stuff. I think Joe put it so well when he said that the old man only brought a suitcase. How many suit cases do you have?

I'm Here

Thought I was gone didn't you? na just been X tremely busy. More than usual. Getting up at 5 in now a necessity not a luxury. If I need to get all seven of us up and out of the house that has to start at 5. Another bathroom is definitely needed. It is on the list as soon as Joe gets a permanent job.
Still trying to find out where everyone is and needs to be in a given day, crazy. All in all everyone is adjusting well. There is alot of give and take here. Everyone realizes that all have to pitch in or it just doesn't work. Jobs change daily do the needs of the family. The funny thing is that it is ok. It does work. And all will be ok in the end. Lesson learning all over the place.
Back up a couple weeks. The wedding went well. No I think it went great. Alot of planning and stressing went into that one. I just wish the nite was longer. I believe all had a good time. Some had more fun than other (sheri). I had a lot of behind the scene help and you know who you are. I am truly grateful. The honeymoon was much needed. But we both realized that we didn't need all of that in the end. We were ready to come home mid week. That I think is good. We need God and family second and that is how it should be.
Lots more to do being married but lots more to share also. I am learning more and more to take each day as it comes because looking beyond that is most overwhelming. So today is a day off but that doesn't mean I will be sitting eating bon bons. Kids have appointments and I have much needed cleaning to do. And the best thing about it, if it doesn't get done today, tomorrow is less than hours away. Overwhelmed ? Na-very full filled!

A Wake Up

One day to go but who is counting? Me and Joe. It has been quite the journey. I realized something while running the bridge. We started together, we ended together, and somewhere in the middle some of us ran faster some slower. We would meet for a brief moment and then continue on our journey. I do see that we have to continue on our own personal journey. I know that when the day is thru we ended up together. I have alot more to continue. I have alot more to say. I have found out who Denise really is and I am not going to lose her. I think that I only bring more to the table now. I had to go thru all to get where I am now. What a wonderful gift to see that happen. I am truly blessed and I know it. I am happy not because of Joe but because of me. So continue on the journey with me, it only gets better. That comes from the older and wiser~dad. I love you all!

A View From The Top

Well this weekend definitely was needed. It was a gift from God. A distresser. Running for me lately has been a break from the 'needs to do' in life. I know it is something that I have to do and lately it has been a want.
Five miles was like three. It was up hill for two and a half but I had a great pace and the weather was superb. I thought alot of all the past life disappointments. I thought of those who done me wrong and where I had ended up. I thought of the journey that I have been on thus far. I thought of the journey I had ahead. I thought of the good, the bad and the ugly. I thought of how it all has changed me, molded me into who I am today. I thought of all that I have ahead of me. It was a definite thought process. I was glad I did it. Probably won;t do it again. Thankful I had the support of my husband and my parents behind me.
Life for me and my family will be quickly changing in the next couple days. Am I ready? Have I thought it thru? Does anyone really know if it is forever? Am I scared?
I do know that God is my core. I do know that I am strong because of him. I do know that I am here now because of all I went thru. I do know Joe's God is core also. That is the difference!

UP ready for the Grizwalds

Well we are off to an adventure with the entire family in tow. Off to see what the upper side of this state has to offer. In asking what the kids want to see or do in the Up, it was a toss up on the falls, or locks or eat fudge. Well that is easy enough. I haven't realize that the family has not been up there. I was going there at least yearly for the last 8 years or so. I think it should be fun. We have a fun filled day plan today starting at 8am. I am hoping that everyone is excited to go at that time.
The ford that I purchased last year thought it was big enough to hall everything and everybody but now looking for something in the suburban line. Kids are only getting bigger. T is 5 foot now and looking to pass his sister soon.
Sunday is planned with more sight seeing and fun fun fun. I am looking forward to this last hoopla before school starts. Joe is too. He loves the UP. I think he is ready to visit his cabin. I think he feel at home there. I am not so sure, no indoor plumbing or water, no electricity, hmmm. We will visit today but not stay.
We have rented a suit in St Ignace. That should be fun. My parents will be joining in the fun. Joe and I need to be at the bridge at 530am on Monday and the race starts at 630. I am excited and nervous all in one. A former runner told me to stop at the top and enjoy the view. That should be breath taking and the weather is suppose to be superior. I am going to take this weekend and just not think about all that I still have to do before the big day. I am ready and it all will go great. Well last minute stuff needs to get packed. Say a little prayer that I finish and Joe too.

Count Down

Well lots is going to happen in the next 8 days. First I have a run of a lifetime or at least this year. Big Mac is fast approaching. Need to get in three more good run and Sunday is a day off. Then Mighty Mac. Looking forward to the view from the top. Weather is suppose to be great but at 530 in the am it is still dark and cold. Still feel a little queasy in the stomach. I am sure that this event was placed in my life to slow me from thinking about the other big events that are coming up. I know I am driving the girls at work nuts and especially Bon my matron of honor. She is a fly by the seat of her pants type girl. Ha Ha.
I think I have come a long way. I am trying not to stress or worry. Not an easy one for me you know. Things always and I mean always work out and for the best. Though at times we don't always see that thru the clouds. There is a silver lining. Looking back and I do do it often, if you where to ask me where would you be...well not here. Well no I take that back, I did see myself here just differently. I know that there will be those who get that and those who don't. And that is ok. We all get it at different times.
Ah ha moments are sure great. But it is the times that we sit scratching our heads seems like what we do more of. Life is sure great.

I Believe...

Many random thoughts now entering into the picture as the big day fast approaches. Mostly good and exciting. But one can't help to be nervous and scared. Who wouldn't be? First, second or third, it just doesn't matter. What the future brings~if you are married or single? This is life and I am just a manager of it. Someone told me, make some plans and God will chuckle. How true is that. How much say do we really have? Not really sure, but I have done some homework and did some observing.
I don't believe that we are in it to be alone. I think we all need a little help. I do believe that those who are in your life right now, are there to teach or be taught. I do believe that at times we are the teacher and the student. Sometimes it is hard to figure out which one it is. I do believe that the roles do reverse and reverse again. I do believe that if you don't face things head on that they will come back again. Maybe when your stronger to fight. Or maybe when you except the fight that will not go away. I do believe that seeds are given everyday. I also believe that we have the power to plant them or not. I do believe that there is good in everyone but some choose not to let it out. I do believe that "tone" is important and I have to work on it. I do believe that a touch can make it all better at least for the moment. I do believe that that is something that we all lack and don't do enough. I do believe that life is short...Are you where you want to be and who you want to be with?
Early morning thoughts on a dark and rainy day!

Thank God For Rain...

Just done from a 3 and halfer, thanking God right now for 61 and rain instead of 71 and 100% humidity. ugh its hot out there!

Not too Much Singing...

Well pouring rain not an option to not running a race. In fact I prefer to run in less than 65 degrees and rain more than 80 and sun. It is refreshing and exhilarating. I still prefer morning running to nite time. I seem to have all my energy stored up. I truly believe that goes true for morning people. Get my work done so that in the evening I can relax.
Races to me have become something I do. It is definitely not about winning because I don't care. I need to finish and that is what it has always been about. Why enter a race? Well it is fun to see all the people doing what you enjoy also. I always go through the nervousness of it all. The sick stomach and "oh I got to go pee again feelin". It is great when it is done.

Joe has been great too. I know he didn't want to run this last one but he did. I am grateful to have a partner in my life that wants to be apart of my world. When we first started this journey together, he said if I help him with his physical journey, he will help me with my spiritual. And we have both held true to both!
Not sure but I think that Big Mac is the next race. Unless we decide to do one at spur of the moment. I can't wait! I am excited. I am preparing by running at least 3 to 3 and half miles 4-6X a week. I am watching my sugars. Trying to grab more of the garden stuff. I want to trim off 5 more before that day. It is a struggle but every morning is a new start. Well off to a run today. It is early and want to get it in before church. Thanks for all your support through this journey that I continue on. It is all worth it. It is my life.

Life lessons

Sharing what seems important to us and not that important to our children, or is it? Do you think they record the things we say and save it for when it is important? Do you think they store it in their mind to bring it up and use it in the future? I wonder. Did I?
Looking back I wasn't a bad kid. I was pretty practical. I had a good head on for the most part. I think all us kids did. I wonder as the children get older, will the same follow suit? Do some parents get "lucky" just because or does the whole growing up in a good structure really help? I think both come into play. I know that we have to instill the goods but there is that choice thing. I think a lot of prays come in handy.
We as a whole family have adapted praying before meals. We use to do it before Joe but not consist. So last nite when Joe was not here for dinner, the eldest son before digging in says aren't we going to pray? And we did. That was a wonderful thing. Life is good only if we let it!

Out Look Bright!

Well the summer is full swing. Things are all starting to come together. Realizing to take one day at a time. Lists and lists started, sometimes there is a end to the list, sometimes not. Some just get transferred on the next list. Relearning what it means to partner with another. It is a great feeling to know that some things still can get accomplished as I run or do another errand. That is a good feeling. We work well together. Marrying someone with similar goal but with enough diversity that makes it not mundane.
Wedding plans are coming together. Plans of how it should be are changing and that is ok. Learning to bend and still not break. Growing in areas I never thought I could or would want too. The extended family coming together with some rough times but for the most part realizing that they need to bend also to make it work.
Running is still there but not to the extent of last summer. But then again I had different priorities. That is ok too. There was a lot o ME last summer. I needed that, but now I have to share the lime life with all in my nest. That is ok too. Time and place for everything. Now it is time for my new family. But wait, not going to lose self this time. I think I learned that lesson in the past 8 years or so. Be a nurturing mother but don't lose me in the process. Going to God with that one. Time has made me see the light on that one. You know I wouldn't change a thing looking back. I truly believe that I had to go threw what I did to know God the way I do. I wouldn't change the journey I am on. The saying that there is a reason, a season and a lifetime is so true. Sometimes we get the satisfaction to know the reason, sometimes not. I was granted the gift of knowing. That is the reason that I can be ok with all in my world right now. A good feeling. Feeling alive and ready for now and the future. That too is a great feeling.

WhatYou've Been Up Too?

Well, a few of my followers have been wondering "What Up?" Exactly What is up? This summer has been crazy. Has summer even started? These cold nites and semi warm days, just doesn't seem like summer just yet. I am hoping for a long fall.
Well life on this side is still quite busy. My boys both are on a winning All Star team. We all went to see the games this past weekend while attending a family reunion up North. It was hectic but nice to know after the game that we could go back to the camp ground and head to the beach and we did. It was strange not having the boys at the reunion but that was the choice that they had to make. Casey and Joe kids where there and that was a little easier. Casey had a blast with her girl friend. I think that "teenager" is now in the vocabulary. Good to know that she is growing up and bad to know she is growing up. What I liked the most is that it was about Casey this time. The boys and their activities always seem to take precedence. This weekend Casey did what Casey wanted to do. That is good.
This weekend was also good to see how me and Joe work as a team not in our environment. We did pretty good. A few lessons learned. He definitely does fine when it comes to socializing. Don' t have to carry him there. Not the quiet one if you know what I mean. That is good. We work well together.
This week brings more working on the wedding. The dress is in and the ring too. Need to get shoes but need to take Casey for that one. Still have to go to more All Stars games. Hoping for a win today because if they don't need to take more time off work. Who starts a game at 5, in a different town. Well thank ful that my work will work with me when it comes to getting time off for family stuff.
Well Im rattling on. And now you can see how my head has been working for the last couple of months. Crazy I tell you. Going to work sometimes is the best thing for me because I know exactly what I am doing at any given moment. Not so sure when it comes to my life.

Parenting Hard

Lost it last nite. Kids have been staying home and I thought learning responsibilities. Guess not. Have you ever felt like you have been taken for granted? Especially by someone whom say they love you.
Parents work. That is just how it is. And you can argue the fact about working parents and the ones who stay home with their kids. Well I have been on both sides of the fence. I see both sides and one is no easier than the next. The kids are no better or worse for it. But when you are on one side, easier to see how the kids are affected. How the kids can play that situation. Easy to see how the divorce can work for them and see how they can play on the guilt of the parent who works. Well the sh#@ it the fan last nite. I will not be played. In this house, we all pull our weight. One chore a day is not asking too much. I don't care how the other side rolls. When at my house this is what we do. These are my rules and this is how I see things.
Seems pretty harsh. No I don't think so. It wasn't as bad as I write. But they did need to see that I mean what I say. And it wasn't just one day it was a series of days. So I don't need any lectures on child raising at this time. I just needed to vent. That is all. So it is done. I plan to spend some quality time with the kids today. Let them see that I can be "fun" mom. I laugh as I say that because they are going to work with me and I am cleaning their teeth. What more fun can you ask for?

Finding Time

Hard one to come by these days. The week seems to fly by. Weekends even quicker. The wedding is in less than 80 days and I am not sure if I need to be doing things that I am not. With the kids here and there one week at a time, I try to squeeze in fun stuff among working. Not easy to do. Try to get them to go for a bike ride so that I can get in some sort of work out with them and try to make it fun. Fun usually has the word Slurpee or ice cream at the end of it though. To me that is defeating the whole purpose. Figuring that I will do my hard work outs when kids are at dad's and more fun ones when the kids are home. Today made TJ ride bikes to his practice. Didn't want too but I told him I would carry his bag and it was a go. Bribery gets you every where. Gave him the choice of taking clothes off the line or riding his bike along side me when I run. He chose the clothes. But it was something that had to get done. Choices ~choices my kids are learning that we all have them and we need to make them daily.
Hard to believe that the 4th is around the corner and this signifies that summer is half done. Wait a minute didn't it just start? I knew it would fly by and it is. Did you know that Christmas is 6 months away? In 3 days it is. Ugh! Im getting old. Ok and now I am tired. Time for bed.

Rain Much Needed

Waking up to the droplets of rain on the sky lites, calming. Normally I don't welcome the rain, but today it is much needed. Garden is looking grand and Casey flower garden in starting to perk back up. Something about a summer storm is always welcomed. Especially when it is mild out. Not freezing in the house and the windows are opened, especially nice. A morning to take your coffee out on the porch and just take in the moment. Time to reflect on what is important and what is just stuff that clogs the head. The house is quiet. The kids are away. Time that is cherished but still miss the kids. It is nice to have the time to do what I need to do and not worry but isn't that the job of a parent 24/7? Still think about what they are doing all the time.

They surprised me yesterday and even called. That is a good feeling. I always tell them too and they rarely do. T made the All Stars baseball team. Good and Bad I guess. He will miss out on things that are planned but he has been playing the best ball this year. Don't know all the details but will go with the flow. Casey too called just to say Hi. That was nice. Have to call Carson myself I guess. I am just glad that they have a dad that cares and I don't have to worry about them...much.

Well off I go to work. Trying to get all that running done so that when I have them next week, we can play too. Enjoy the rain for today.

Teedering on Solid Ground

Is it funny how the little things seem to throw you off the edge? It seems that lately it is the small things that throw me into a tizzy. This summer has already presented me with alot of dead lines. Those things that I can't just wait on. Timing is the essence. In running races, forms have to be filled out in a timely manner. The bridge run is no exception. First I needed to find a place to stay. Found out that people book them in advance. Second was to find something that is kid friendly and wallet friendly too. Found it. Now to fill out forms and get them mailed out. Well seems like a easy thing to do but when two are involved and are not living together, well arrange and rearrange to get things accomplished.
Ball games are still going and my work has picked up to accommodate those who are losing insurance in a month. June crazy. Trying to remember what is important and what will not matter when the day is done. Sometimes easy, sometimes not so. And if those who are around you don't know the storms in your life, they can tend to view things differently. Makes me rethink to be careful what we say to people for we don't know what they are facing at any given day. Things are not what they seem to be for a lot of people. Remember that we never walk alone. He is always there to offer a hand, especially when everyone else is in bed.
Twists and turns and the journey continues. Life still goes on. Time waits for no one.

Big Mac

Well I have been doing much soul searching in silence lately. Many things that I continue to struggle with that tend to make me unhappy. I continue to run as always, I struggle. The body is doing it but the mind is not leading the way. That is a problem. Weight has always been my issue and I want to break from it. I do not want it to rule me or my life. I too like Darrin need to reset the whole lifestyle diet thing. Time to track all the foods that somehow get in our mouths. No I haven't fallen off the wagon but I know that I have hit a few bumps. I need to say this out loud for I need to be accountable for what I do. June 1st started out with me counting my points again and resetting myself. I am strong and I can do this with the help of God. This is my life and only I can make it a happy one. I know that if I am strong and fit I do feel good.
To make matters more sweet, I found out this morning that I was selected to run the Mackinaw bridge. This is a great honor. Only 300 are chosen and it is on Labor Day. The kicker is that is four days before my wedding. No stress there. But all things happen for a reason. It is approximately 5 and half miles. So this gives me something to train for. I have three months to regain my stamina. I can do it. So wish me well and I will see you at the finish line, at least mentally.

Don't Take it with U

Sorting through what is just stuff and what really matters. So times we get so bogged down in the world that we can't see thru the "stuff" in our lives. "Oh gas is up again, this is due now and this is broken and needs to be replaced." But that is just stuff. It isn't what or who we are. We all have those moments that we can't see beyond the trees. But somehow it all works out. Learning that we have done the homework and the rest will follow. Hard work and a little faith. Believing that life is a cycle and it all comes back around.
I have been instill with the good sense of saving. That in all is a good thing. Don't touch it til a raining day. But sometimes spending for quality is needed. I too have learned that. Buy once and enjoy it for a lifetime or at least more than a year or too. Not wanting the almighty dollar to control me or my family. I have learned that it isn't mine in the first place, I am just the administrator of it. Times are tough but this should not affect me if I know the truth. I too have learned this. And for the most part I have been good in knowing this but there comes times where it is tested. That is good too. It will tend to ground me, put me back where I need to be. Live within my means and don't forget to share. There are other out there that need to see that. Stretch it but don't break it. "Do as Grandma did in the past." (And you didn't think I picked that one up-did you?) And for heaven sake don't take it with you!

Trying To Be the Change I want to See.

At least I am out there doing something. Well after two years of walking at lunch, it has finally rubbed off. I now have 4- 6 girls walking with me at lunch on a daily basis. And we don't just walk, we power walk. Yesterday was a hot one and we downed the tank tops and we were out there. Just don't care how it looks but we do it and that is what matters. (It is those that watch from a far that are jealous and make fun of you. They wish they were you. ) If you stick with it long enough it is bound to rub off.
Be the change you want to see in others. That has been a haunting phrase I have been hearing. To be honest, it does work. I have witness this first hand. When you see a couple cozing up to each other doesn't that make you want to grab for your better half and do the same. I just seen it at the ball field. Wasn't sure it was done out of love or jealousy but I seen it. If you don't get that-you have to have been there or just ask! Any how. finding out that-that it starts with me. I need to change first. That is a hard one especially when it is dealing with the ones that hurt more than I want to say. But respect them first and maybe just maybe they will toss you a bone. Hard concept to grab on too but worth it in the end.
When you see someone out there running or biking doesn't it make you want to go get your tennis shoes. It does me. It only becomes a problem when I can't find that hour window to do it. Well I am finally coming to grips that it doesn't have to be the whole enchilada at once. Every step counts. Do it increments and they all still add up. Thirty minutes at lunch and thirty at home, still an hour. My busy life can not be an excuse. I hear it in my patients on a daily basis. I also see that they are thirty to fifty pounds over weight! I try to encourage them to just get out there and move. One step at a time. Small goals does equal big ones at the end of the day if you add it up. At the end of the day it is still the same equation-calories in and calories out. Hmm sooo simple but yet so many just don't get it.
Same premise, what you put into your life=what you get out. Maybe not soon as you want but eventually. Maybe that is why we put off. Not getting the results as soon as we want. Well I too have learned this one-not in my time but HIS. I need to be reminded of that one all the time.
So be the change you want to see in others today and let me know if it works. You may be surprised right away or when you think that your about it give up. You may never know who you inspire. Like the commercial says "Just Do It".

Tight Schedule

Have you ever been so driven to get things done so that you can reap the rewards in the end. I have and that was yesterday. I had a schedule. A certain way things had to fly for it all to work out in the end. It was a very tight one that if things got off by just 15 minutes it all wouldn't work out. I also had a plan B for that too. But with the help of a few key people it worked. I got all that I wanted accomplished and 15 to spare. That is good and needed. Thanking God for all. 60minutes that turned into 45 some how. Grateful for all I have. Thanking all who are in my life and somehow help me to make it all work. You know who you are and if you don't-you will.
Setting a new schedule today but this one isn't so tight, and rain would be welcomed to make us stay home. All is good though. Kids have been wonderful in helping to make it all flow. Feeling good where I sit, oops no time for that! Ha ha.

Lifelong Decisions

Finished race two. It was a hard one because it was 48 degrees and raining. But it wasn't about placing or taking any medals. It was about finishing and getting in a workout. That is what it has always been for me. Doing something new and enjoying it. Finishing a race that started many moons ago. Plain and simple, keeping the weight off.
It has been two years since I decided that it was time to get in shape again. Two years is generally the time that those who have lost weight fall off the wagon. If it is a diet and not a way of life. Believe me when I say it is easy to lose, hard to maintain.
But is it? Well no if you know that you have to move everyday. When your schedule gets lost in run here and do that and eat on the run, that is when your fitness suffers. I know that I need to take a look at where I stand. In the last two years I have given myself the permission to take care of me. Some have viewed it as selfish but they don' t sit where I sit. Is it selfish to want to see your kids grow old enough to get married and have your grand kids...well I am selfish. I need to reevaluate things again. I need to focus on the life long commitment I made to myself on that February day. The day I vowed to change my life. It is ok to say no. It is ok to ask for help. It is ok to do for me, for that makes me a better for them. I want them to know that it is not necessary to get lost in your kids but strong in yourself. Doing everything for them and nothing for you can lead to where did it all go when they are gone. I don't want to regret. I want them to remember how strong I am. I want them to see it is all in the journey not the destination. It is worth all the blood sweat and tears. Let them see that no one can make you happy, it is up to you. It starts from within. Believe that you where created with purpose and you have all the choices in the world. In the end, pray you make the right ones!

Accomplished.

Slept crazy good last nite. Wore bite splint and everything. Woke up warm too. That is a sure sign of summer. Very productive day yesterday even got out earlier from work than expected. Didn't take that for granted. Bike runs good. Got the entire grass cut and raked (because there was a boat load of grass that finally dried out). And the rain held out. The farm still has standing water. I think it will be a good weekend to turn it over.
Funny how it all works it self out. If we stress about it or not. It just works. Better if we don't stress but we seem to realize that after the fact. Making the list of to do's for the weekend. Lots to do on Saturday, too much in fact but writing it down just in case 24 turns into 26 some how. Well enough time on the computer, I have things that can be done now. So off to the races I go!

Energy

Well up at 4 again, can't sleep. Nervous energy wakes me. Oh not the bad stuff but the kind that when you eat too much sugar. Things to do already. Trying to get ahead of the game before it starts. Laundry started, got to pick up room, got that cluttered look again. Dinner hmm what to make. What is quick and easy today. Dinner last nite was an great success do to my oldest. I prepped it all the morning of and she started making it 20minutes before I was to be home. That was great. Good nutritious meal on the table and 5 minutes to spare before off to the races. See...it can be done with a little help. The kids are doing their part and that is what makes it all flow.
Late game tonite and I only work half day. I love Thursdays. I think I can run to get the motorcycle only if the rain holds out. I didn't spend a couple hours polishing that thing only to get it wet on purpose. Cleaning out the freezer for dinner so anything goes here. Stay in the moment the week is coming to an end. Saturday is a race and then it is relax and maybe get a bike ride in. Looking forward to it. Then Sunday is mom's day and I plan to do nothing. Travel to visit family and don't cook or clean. Just be mom and except all hugs and kisses.

Fit For Life

Does it ever end? Race here to get to there and back again. Trying to get in as much as I can especially when the kids are gone. Yesterday was a whirlwind. The weather was beautiful and I had a need to move. But many things had to be accomplished in that one day, no that one evening. So divide and conquer. My motorcycle is not working so off to the shop it goes. So ride it there and turn in my boots and leathers for tennies and t shirt and off on a run I go. Need to hit two ball games in a five mile radius so grab a bicycle and go. Need to grab a bite to eat because ball food is so good but so bad. Made it to all things and got in my exercising time too. That is a good and a needed thing. So easy to get off the path. So hard to start up again. Need to premake foods again. Have salads made up a head of time so I can grab them and go. Thanks goodness for Smart ones. They can save your life in a pinch.
Any who I feel much accomplished today but it is early. Hoping the rain will hold out until after noon, got most of the office power walking at lunch time. What started out as me has turned into 3 sometimes 5. Fitness is contagious. Life is good if we let it. You just got to move!

Head spinning

Wow and the race begins. Well it is always in process but this week especially was crazy. I have officially colored coded by calender with red, blue and green. Colors for each kids. Im still in regular pen and Joe and his kids don't have a special color yet. May was filled before I turned the page from April.
I will be living at the ball field everyday. I have decided that KC will have one day in the week to do what ever she wants and I will follow her doing that. We already did a shop day last week. There are things that she wants and I told her that I have spent X amount on the boys sports and she can go shopping with some of that. We talked about her starting a flower garden that is hers to work up and get the flowers and attend too. It will be outside her window and she seemed to like that idea. Went to a meeting at school and in 8th grade they go to Washington DC and the cost is 695. I talked to her and I feel that she needs to raise at least on third of the trip. I haven't talked to the dad on this one yet. UGH! Ideas that have been coming up are pop can collection, door to door or watch your email. Babysitting I think would be great or walking animals for people at work. Trying to get her to take initiative I want her to break out there. Was I the one to stay in the shadow and not go out and pursue? I babysat all the time I remember. I was trying to remember what I did at her age. I babysat alot. I rode my bike a lot. It was a different time but. I know my parents didn't hand out the money left and right. In the area that I live that is what people do here. Money is not lacking when it comes to the kids. I think that can be a downer. Am I depriving them of stuff or trying to instill the point that you have to work to make money and save!
Baseball pictures where yesterday and I didn't get them taken. But I did bring my camera. I did get a shot of them in the same setting that everyone else did. But was I looked down a bit well not sure. Do I look like the cheap mom sometimes in my kids eyes. Do I care. If they get the whole concept in the long run I don't care. Do my kids suffer I don't think so. We went for ice cream last nite when I knew very well that there is some in the freezer and it is the same kind that they are going to order. No suffering there.
Well I am rambling and that just shows where the whole month of May will be. Crazy and overwhelming. It will all get done and I know if I only look ahead for one day I will be ok. Any further I will need a shovel. So if you don;t hear from me don't worry but call me on my cell I am around. P.s I got my dress!

Thinking ...

Thinking of greener things right now. I am asking my patients questions on what they do to save extra cash these days. New things that I have discovered and work. Use aluminum foil in a waded ball to take out static cling. It does work for the most part. No need to use dryer sheets and that is money saved. You don't need a new ball every time. Put quarter cup of vinegar in laundry for freshness. Less soap then normal. It creates freshness and doesn't smell like vinegar. I haven't tried it but I am going too. Vinegar is cheap. To take out lip stick in clothes if you accidental wash a tube in your load, ammonia and dawn dish soap, did it yesterday and works like a charm. I think this will work on the grease stains that sometime appear out of nowhere.
Picked up my first retractable cloths line for outside. I have wanted a cloths line for almost twenty years. Guess I had to just go get myself. I do know someone who will put it up. Goal to have it up this weekend. Let you know. That will save money. Starting the garden this weekend also. At least working up the ground. Thinking that I may even can things. Now you know that is a first for me. Need help on that one mom. I will continue more on this later. Got to go for now.

In The Presence...Presents

Well warmer weather has come, well at least for a day or two. But I was out there and lovin it. Did some much needed running. Trying to find the fun in it again. Abit worried that that is getting old. But I think that the drive to get the kids more into "moving" is there. I have finally put energy into doing what I needed to do and now I CAN work on them and motivating them more.
Also having Joe in my life and us both knowing the benefits to a healthy loving family life has made a difference. Doing things with the kids at times can be challenging, not so fun. Even if fun was written all over it, it was more work than anything. ALONE. But when their are two the fun some how seems to shine more bright. I know you can understand that. Even chores can be a bit more fun when you have the help of sometimes 3 extra people. I hope the kids see that too. Heck as a group we have a whole base ball team. Ha Ha.
If I continue to stay in the moment I don't get too over whelmed but if I look into the future boy that can be a bit crazy to the outside world. But then again others don't live here and have no idea what it is all about. This is my life, my choice. Many too love and to be loved. What a wonderful gift.

Steady

The winds continue to blow, even harder now. When will the storm seem to diminish? I have left the bananas outside the door. I have rejected the negativity. I have stood strong but yet the winds continue to blow. Do they eventually blow themselves out? I give no fuel. I am hoping and praying that they get tired. They lose interest. Rejoice in the fact that I do know right and wrong. Stand strong and know him. Not easy but needed. He has gotten you this far. He will not abandon you now. Reconfirming where I need to be and what I need to do. Few will understand this but knowing is all I need!

Walking By Faith Again

Trying to figure out why people do what they do? Giving second and third chances only too be disappointed again and again. Do they feel threatened by me or what they see in me? Do they see that I am strong again. I do know what I want in life. Do they see the happiness that I have obtained? Do they want it too? Do they finally see what they decided to give up on so many years and realize the loss is greater than the deed? Why do I even care? Because their ignorance and unhappiness is poring out. Their ugliness is in abundance. The negativity is all around them. I am quick to put up my shield of white light. Sometimes I know ahead, sometimes I am blind sited. I refuse to let that darkness enter in me. I reject the ill feelings. I have changed. I have God on my side. I will let Him deal with their outside forces. Deep breathes. Rewards are great for those who walk a higher road. I have witnessed this in the past and I will continue to believe! AMEN

You Don't Live Here...You Don't Know

Money does funny things to one-don't you think? It can make a bad situation good and /or bad. It can make a good situation equal too. It can make the difference in wants and needs. It can make the difference in spending and saving for a rainy day. Who has it and who hoards it. Who realizes that it isn't our anyway, we were just given it to handle and use it as needed.



My children are maturing. I am trying to instill good health relationship with money. It doesn' t grow on trees. We don't harvest it in the fall and replant in the spring. We don't work to just blow it on junk. I give them an allowance so that they see how to save for the "wants" in their life. I am beginning to say~Ask your dad.



It is time that I don't keep them in the dark about issues that concern me and their father. I am sick of being the fall guy. They are old enough to know what really goes on. I am beginning to educate them on difference that people have and that is ok to be different. We as a whole will continue to see that all their "needs" are met but as for their "wants". Well it depends who you ask and what makes it a need or a want. Dad and I don't see eye to eye on that one. But then again he is not the one who clothes or feeds them on a daily basis. It is easy to come upon a situation for a moment and give your two cents, but if you haven't seen how the whole systems runs~you don't have any idea if that your so called suggestion will work. Nor do you live. My house, my rules~your house etc.

Finding out more and more that there are many reasons people grow apart and usually there is only one thing that "breaks the camel's back". Trying to straighten out all the things that come to my children from one that they love and explain my point of view on the subject. Not being in my home and seeing what takes place can make a outsider say that I spend my money on only me. Well as the saying goes Don't ASS U ME anything. You don't know and I don't care. But the fact of the matter is that my kids do. They love us equally and that is how it should be. I do think that if they lived there for more than "fun dad" times, they would see that mom isn't that bad. Mom is a smart business woman. Mom know how to run her /our house quite well. And guess what... she learned it from her mom and dad! The only difference is that they were a complete unit. They worked as a team. That is not possible at this time. Too much unresolved issues on one side. So many things that were not yet addressed. That is only me looking outside in. But until someone shows me different, that is the only thing that I can believe.

I am not blaming here, not at all. But I only will accept half fault. No more, no less.



So at times it is hard for the kids to see my side of the story when they are misled on views of others. But isn't that how life goes. Many ways of doing and seeing many things. I just hope that both parental views are seen equal eventually. Thought thoroughly and then make decisions as needed. I am not in for the glory but to see my kids really know what is important and what is just "stuff". Live happily and know that they are loved. I know that is what I want and I am seeing that I get that. But until they come to that realization for themselves, I will just help them along the way. That is my job as a parent, not their friend.

Not to Worry

If you haven't notice, I have taken a break from writing. Well not so. I just haven't let you in on what I have been writing about. Like a flower that has gone dormant for the winter, I too have been nestle down. Searching for some much needed answers to some much thought out questions. I too have been in a transition of life. Much like the change of seasons. Trying to find out what and where I belong. What is my purpose? I know that I am meant to do great things. I have known that for a long time. But is it just what I am doing now or is there more too it?
There are things that I am good at but I am not so sure what I am great at? Do all the good things lead to great in the great scheme of things? Where greatness is achieved? Does it even matter and who is even cares? What is the purpose of this journey? Am I doing all that I need to do to fulfill what I am meant to do? Or am I going through the motions? Looking for that sign? Will I even know if it hits me? Riding on faith. Putting alot in God, knowing that only He knows the outcome of this world. This is a good thing for those who believe. It is the non believers that seem to see this a naive. Those friends of mine who question living on faith. Whom to I listen? Who's life am I living? Not theirs...mine!
Looking for purpose...have you gone to Church lately? Why don't you come to mine? It is an invitation.

Finish Line

Well the results are in and I finished. Better than last year but not nearly as close as I ended the season with. Disappointed a bit but glad the season has begun. Looking forward to the race season. Gives me a sense of accomplishment. I feel like there is something I can do and do well. I may not win the race but I finish gasping for air. It feels good in the end. I usually get a sick feeling in my stomach and worry right before the race but when it is done, I feel great. I am glad I stuck with it. Not easy as people may think. Oh it is just a race that doesn't count or you won't win any prizes or money. But that isn't what really counts is it? It is the pride of doing. Knowing that I am doing something good for my body. Feeling the soreness in the legs, knowing I gave my all. Pushed beyond what I am accustom too. I am a runner! (I like the sound of that).

Starting a journey that may not be easy at first but worth it in the end. Stepping out of one's comfort zone. Seeing the bottom knowing that we can only go up. Pushing through all the "stuff" of the world, to finally see what is important. That is a good feeling. Knowing where you came and where you don't want to go. Knowing that it is worth it in the end...priceless for sure.

Have you started your journey? What are you waiting for?

Run Because I Can

Well this is the second attempt at blogging this subject. Last one I did yesterday got deleted by goggle. It seems I had a virus in me that wouldn't let me write. Hoping today that I can because today is my first race of the season. I am excited and worried at the same time. A few things are different this time around. I have kids to cheer me on today. That I am very thankful for. Yesterdays the boys ran their race and I was so proud.

What it means to have the support of knowing that someone is there at the end of the race. Even if you don't come in first or second, knowing that someone is going to be there to say you did good or even hold you up at the end when you feel that you are going to fall over. Kind of like a relationship, knowing that through it all someone will be there in the end. I have practiced through the cold winter and I am ready for the season to begin. It gives me a renewed feeling. I am ready for new and more challenging runs. Running has given me some new found confidence. Before I believed that I couldn't run, now I just do! Like the story goes... Run Forest Run!

In Twenty Years...

Here it is again, that feeling of how am I going to do it all. How on earth am I going to get it all done to way I want it. I get up early because at nite I am so tired. Try to get dinner started and prepared so that I can come home and get the kids and I out for some form of exercise. Then eat and some down time and its bedtime. Only to wake at 4am worrying about the homework that didn't get checked, the phone calls that didn't get made, the conversation that didn't get talked about because they don't do well in the morning. Deep breaths again.

Why do we put so much undo stress on ourselves? We didn't come with the title
"wonderwomen", so why do we expect that out of us? High expectation? Worried that we will fail as a parent? Wonder how others think of us? Why are we so hard on us and expect so little of others? Do the ones that appear to have it all together, really do? Do all wonder these same things and don't express it or show it? I think I would explode.

I know that I have alot going for me. I know I get overwhelmed. I know that I will get over it. I know that I have a need to just let off some steam. I know that I am not alone. I know that I have a lot to offer and do. I know that I am a good mom even when days go by and no one seems to affirm it. I know that I am loved. I know that I have a journey. I know that I am meant to do great things. I know that HE knows and that is all that should matter!

Opportunities?

Does the early bird really get the worm? When one door closes does another door opens or maybe a window? If it doesn't work out do we think, will it work out for the better in the future? Hmm. A few things that have happened this week leads me to these questions.
We all seem to have thoughts on how things should be. But what if all of a sudden they change.

I was taught that I need to flow with it and see where it takes me. He never gives us more than we can handle. I have been trying to live this way since my life was turned upside down many years ago. Oh it took a long time to except that, but I have been trying to live that way ever since. Sometimes I have to wait to see how the things that change are going to be for the better. But some way some how they do. May times I have to look beyond the two feet ahead of me. So today I am looking four feet ahead. Trying to understand the why's and how's it is going to be for the better.

When we let people come into our life, we let in a lot more worries and hardships. But on the other hand, we gain a lot more love and happiness. It is just how that works. Nothing ventured~nothing gained. Good with the bad, joys with the pains. It is just how it is.

So today I am looking at the glass half full and knowing that things are going to work out for the better. More growing and changing will happen. Open to it. Can't stand, where we sit!

Saturday Adventure

Adventuring out to shop with 5 kids under 13. Hm that was a challenge. But it is something that we have to start doing. This is life and we have to start living it. In and out of a car that holds only 7 and is stuffed. Sometimes I think why did I get rid of the mini van? Three out of 7 needs shoes. So off to the store we go. We don't find them all at the first store now we have to go to at least 4 more stores. Then I m hungry comes into play. Then I have to go to the bathroom. Stop at Mc Donald, usually cleaner bathrooms there. But no you can't eat a snack there. We need to go to Meijers out of tp paper. Need to get stuff for dinner. But wait they will not last, they are hungry now. So grab veggie dip and crackers. Raw veggies to snack on as we make dinner. That went over well. Wonderful and healthy dinner made with four hands helping to make it. Lots of hands to set and clean off table. Clean up in minutes instead of an hour. Movie nite because it is raining and we are all tired from the craziness of the morning. I took Cas to her band concert and Joe and boys and M went to Z bb game. Meet at lunch time.
Extended families can work and work out well. Go with the flow and it all works out in the end. Going to learn patience with this one that is for sure. But I know that rewards will be plenty.

Was I Hit By a Truck?

Well woke up this am. Can't sleep I'm sore. Going to delay the workout this morning and clean house instead. Planning on coursing out a half mile run so that the kids can run it. They are running the kids race for St Pat's. So hopefully when they come home, some of my soreness will be gone and I too will run with them. They have been really good about doing some form of exercise three to four days a week. My daughter continues to challenge me. I have gotton to the point that I say it isn't an option, it is required. It comes off as hard at times but what do I do. I have learned that it takes an ah ha moment and it took thirty years for me. I am praying this one comes sooner.
Continue to support and listen. Show by example. Having Joe come into the picture should help. He too is a big supporter of get out there and move. Maybe he can work on her and that will distance the feet abit more. Hmm good idea I think. Any positive comments from you reader would be appreciate It is 55 degrees out at 5am. Spring is out there I know and I can't wait to get going.

OOOMMMMGGGGGGGG

Wow I just got back from a kick ass double session workout at this new fitness club that I joined. I have never sweated some much from one class in all my life. I feel good now but I was dying not more than a hour a go. But boy do I feel strong. The knee is doing pretty good. I have ice on it right now. It is amazing how a taste of spring will do wonders for the mind. It got up to high 50's today. Boy do we need some of that. Haven't you notice the crabbiness in the air. People don't even realize they are doing it. We need some sun and outside activities.
Went for a mile run yesterday. Didn't want to push the knee. Plans to run one and half or two tomorrow. I have that renewed feeling. The one that I count on about this time. Even seen two motorcycles going down the road earlier. Starting to get a bit of an itch for that also. Looking at the calender and see the need to set some goals for the spring and summer. It flies so fast. I don't want to miss it. I know that I have so many plans ahead. I want to stay busy for Sept 11 will be here before you know it. I don't want to be caught in a panic. Wow I'm hyped. Worked hard and belly full. Feels good.

Limitations

We all seem to have them. But what if they come unforeseen? What do we do with that? I wiped out my knee skiing last week. Oh the minute I did it I thought ~Ugh you are so stupid! You don't ski nor do you like it. So then why? Why do we put our selves into things we normally wouldn't do? Stupidity? Challenge? Adventure?
Not sure why we do the things we do. I know that now I have a not so perfect knee that I can not run on and other forms of exercises are a challenge as well. Can't help to wonder if this is a glimpse of some more of the challenges I face in my future. Waiting to see a bigger picture. Hmmm. I am sure that it will heal. Still working on that patience factor. Time and patience seem to be the things I need help on the most. Knowing that I have come so far but yet wondering how far I have to go to reach the end. Or do we ever reach the end? Knowing that you have conquered the feet that you have struggled with all your life. I think that may be when we die. When we finish all the issues in our life, a sense of peace. Hmmm still thinking about that one.
Limitations~trying to work around them so that they don't slow me down too much. Or maybe it is time to rest and reevaluate again. Hmmm didn't think about that til now. Change course and see what is on the other side. Ekks scared of that. Unknown and unfamiliar. Not liking the sound of that. Try finding the strength in other things. This didn't start off as a pondering~hmmm.

Just Let IT

Wondering what has changed? Or was it there always and I was blinded by love or desperate for a future? You are not the man I married 17 years ago. But wait I am not the woman I was 17 years ago. Maybe it is not him it is me? What am I doing now that makes the difference? What I see that is important that I didn't before. I think I got it all wrong. It is isn't him, it is me. Whew so glad I figured that one out.

Don't feed the monkey. Leave the bananas outside. I can't control the past, it is gone. I must review and live from mistakes. I can't control the future. It is already written. I can only control my actions, thoughts and views. Only I can change. Stand up for me and what I see to be right. Trust in God and that only He knows the way. Follow Him.

My ex, that is a hard one. Dealing with what way the wind is blowing. Alot of prayer and patience. Not going to put alot of time or energy in this one. Just doesn't seem to be worth it. Maybe some day we will see eye to eye. But one very special man reminded me now too long ago...and that is way you call him x!

Twilight...

Wow that was good! Went to see Twilight with the kids tonite. I was blown away. Some what scary and very intense. I was truly on the edge of my seat. And if you know me I don't like that kind of movie. If I didn't know that it was a love story I probably would have not gone to see it. At one point I was wondering if i could leave for a second. I just kept asking what is going to happen next to Cas. I am sure she was a bit anoid but I really couldn't wait to find out what was going to happen next. To all who had read the book, they too said that they just couldn't put the book down.

Not so sure I like that unknowing feeling. I like a surprise here and there but intense, edge of your seat not so sure. I was abit scared at times too. Hope that the kids sleep through the night. I know that they get that from me but I don't care I don;t like being scared! Get use to it. I like to laugh til I cry and there is nothing wrong with that. I know I am rambling but I just don't want to go down in my bedroom alone. Ha ha. No that is the truth. I think I need a drink.

And the Winner Goes To????????

Not going to win mother of the year award again this year. Heck I don't think I am going to even qualify for parent of the year.

What to do when you are not really liked by your kids. Hmm that is a tough one. Will they get it someday? Will they understand why I do and did the things I did. Hmm I hope so. Divorce in general does suck. For kids that seem to love both parents, it sucks more. Right now on so many levels, I am the bad one. And even knowing that I need to do certain things to protect me, hurts them. Boundaries that should have been in place a long time ago are finding a spot. Change is happening and it should. One may view this as a bad thing, all in the timing. Maybe knowing that I now have one to rely on makes steps easier. Maybe realizing I had the power all this time and finding the strength through God to make it all happen? Trusting that He will bring us through. Still very hard to give it up all to Him. Work in progress.

I am a good mom. Maybe not seen today but someday. Will it matter in 20yrs? Na I only hope that my kids are healthy and happy.

Struggling and breathing deep.

Best Laid plans

Give it a minute and all plans change. That is hard to deal with, especially when it has Denise's workout in it. The weather finally has broke for me to do little running outside. I have it planned-get home and run, then dinner and bed. But life happens and I need to flow. That can drive me crazy and usually does. Still working on that one. Patience and change -hard ones for me. Good thing I went for walk at lunch time. At least I feel I did something today other than pick on teeth. Looking forward to tomorrow suppose to be in the 50's. Great plans made again. Hoping and praying that it will work out tomorrow. Well maybe today I would have gotton hurt or ran over or something like that. Be thankful for tomorrow. Glad the kids are ok and we will get to bed early today.

What Counts? Does It Even Matter?

Will it matter in 20yrs? Will anyone even speak of it? Will they even remember what I said? Trying to instill the things that will matter. Hard though when your dealing with another with totally opposite views. Gotta be hard deciding which way to turn and who to listen too. Wanting them to make good sound decisions but how can they? Two parents whom they love and respect with different views of doing most everything.

Definitely can see the disadvantage to divorce here. When you are with someone, you talk it out and come to some kinda of similar ground. But here you just don't. There is no respect on what the other thinks, well very little. Would like to come to some kind of common ground for the sake of the kids but that just doesn't seem possible. So doing the best I can and hoping that they can see both side and come to some sort of way. Maybe taking a little of this and some of that and working it out. Hoping that they rely on God for all in the end. Figuring what is important and what is just stuff. No one told me it was going to by this hard. Knowing in the end that is doesn;t matter. It all works out somehow. Worry less and smile more. Need to remember that a little no a lot more these days!

Maxing Time

Working on the that 24 hours thing again. Running here and there at lunch because I am trying to capture that time issue again. Looking for the extra 5 minutes that I don't have. Giving up on this so that I can do that. Wishing I had four hands instead of two. Wishing that I could be a night owl and a morning person too. Na not really just trying to get the most out a day without the stress of it all.

Stay home and enjoyed time with my daughter yesterday and didn't worry about running anywhere. Today staying home with the whole family and making a meal. I miss that. Trying to regroup the unit. Practice only twice this week because I say. Not asking permission from those who don't live here. Catch up on reading and thoughts of my children. Find out what is going on with each of them and what they are thinking now. Time to reconnect. Important that I do this for them and me. Deep breaths again.

Like Oprah says...Still Talking About It...Weight

Deciding to mix up the workouts a bit now. Don't want to get bored or stale. Been in the pool at least 1x a week. Wednesday was a day to run, 45min of interval running, speed walking. That felt good. Today going to a new place for kick boxing. Not too excited about it but Bon wants me to try it with her. So off I go. Need to keep the pace.

Met up with a patient the other day and she commented how I still look good. That was nice and I must have given a look like and what do you mean by that? Well, she went on to explain that so many of her friends lose the weight especially on WW and then gain. Well I went on to explain that it is not a diet it is a lifestyle. Diets don't work. She asked if I eat cookies? Hell ya I eat cookies, just not the whole bag! Moderation key. Which leads me to another thing. There are people out there that are filling kids with crab in their heads. Making them stress about weight at a young age. Don;t get me wrong, I need to be concern. But when my kid is in tears because he is not sure if he can eat a soft pretzel or not, there is a problem. Trying to deprogram them into understanding the needs for ALL food groups. Telling them that a soft pretzel is a form of a carb (not necessarily the best one) but a carb no less. And your body does require that too. Deny the body of it and when you do eat one, you will tend to eat two too many and whoops. Moderation is the key. Trying to instill that we EAT to fill the need and we EXERCISE to fill a need. Hoping and praying that keeping them moving and having the right foods in the house. Not stressing on what the scale says but how we feel and look (in those jeans). That one was for you Joe. Eat right and exercise feeds body and mind. Get with God fills the spirit. We need them all especially NOW!

Waking Up Cold

I think that winter may be getting to me a bit. Sick of waking up cold and remaining cold through the day. I love that feeling of getting out of the shower and I don't have to run to put a robe on. Some things that are getting me through this time of year is that~ I am busy. I mean truly busy. Maybe even too busy. Working four days and running kids to practice and me to the gym. House gets cleaned on weekend because I am too exhausted in the week. Trying to plan a wedding that won't break the bank. Making sure that the kids are happy and healthy. Maintaining my weight on top of it. Whew I am tired. I look back when the kids where younger and I had to do more for them. I thought that I was busy than. Maybe now I place more priority on me. What makes me happy and healthy. Before it was just the kids and if I had time, maybe me. If there was time or energy left over. I know now the benefits of a happy mom. I am happy with who I have become. Knowing that I am not liked by all but being ok with that. Ah that is a great accomplishment. I use to hate the winters and now I at least tolerate them. Depression has some what gone away. That is a growth thing too. Still wish I was off to Florida in the next couple of weeks but not this year. Plan a little get away for a day~would be nice but nothing in stone yet. I m ok. And that is a good feeling!

What is Important?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YU0aNAHXP0&feature=related



Makes me think of what is really important and what is just stuff. Enjoy!

To Love...To Be Loved...All Choices

I learned very early in life that love is not a feeling, it is a decision. Thanks to my parents and their relationship. We decide who we let in and who we let walk away. I know that I have made some decisions that are going to be challenging but I am not afraid. I have done the homework and I know that it is for a lifetime. I could walk in this world alone, which I have done for some time and done quite successful. But I recently choose to go it together. Isn't it easier when you have someone to laugh with and cry with. Someone to go to bed with and wake with. Someone to wipe your tears of happiness and sadness. It just seems easier. Oh I am very aware that I always had someone on my side. Someone I know who never leaves. It is through him that I could live again and hope for a new future.

Life has provided me with many twists and turns. As long as I continue down this journey, I will stumble and fall but I do know how to get back up. Attitude is 90%. I have seen this mostly recently through my father. Faced with difficult things but decided right out of the gate that this will not get me down. Many great examples, many seeds planted in my life to know that there is hope in all. I feel good where I stand. I feel confident in my choice. Together choices made...forever! Amen.

Putting Faith Where It Should Be

Looking back on a journey, a journey that began long before I even knew that I would be on one. Many twist and turns that I didn't anticipate. Ask me before and I would have told you that I would be married to the same man for eternity. But things change and so do people. I have changed because of forced to in the beginning. Now I change for it is the right thing to do. I would never be where I am at right now if I was given the choice. I am truly thankful for that song that goes "Thank God for Unanswered Prayers." Because if it was in my hands, many many years ago, I would have stayed and not grown. I would not know the Lord like I do today. I would not let go in the things that I have no control over. I would be stuck. I know now that "He" knew this about me. I am thankful "He" took control of an uncontrollable situation and started "His work" in me. Put faith in "Him" and you will not be alone. I truly believe this. Bible thumper no way. I just believe. I believe that he has guided me on where I am today. Faith that "He" knows where I am going and where I will end up. Crazy to take the next step? Na don't think so. I know the truth. We know. Know that "He comes first", and we believe!

Resolutions

Baby its cold outside. That is an understatement. Snow fell yesterday and I have yet to remove it. Too cold to do that and today looks like it will stay also. Work and workout to follow tonite. No time to bare that extreme temp. It isn't going anywhere right? At least not for a couple days.
Been marking my list of resolutions and I can cross another one off. I talked to my boss yesterday and I have officially moved to the full time status. I will be working three full days and one until 2pm. For those who don't know in the dental world~we only work Monday thru Thursday. So I will be sacrificing a lunch on Thursday to get out at 2. I think~a good trade off. I have been pretty much doing the four days but usually had a week when I said I would take off. Scary yea. I know to you forty hour guys that is cake but to me who has never really worked for more than thirty two~it is a big deal. I recall when first out of school, I did do four and half days but that was short lived. Worried abit but it is time to make this move. Not too much worried about the money~God has always provided and well. Just need to make it official so that it is in my schedule. It is what I do now. Very important to know what I am doing and when. Well time to go schedule is calling me and I need to warm up the car today BRRR!

Mind Lead...Body Follow!

Going over the plan of attack on Sunday of when and what days we are going to work out. That has been great. It is called accountability. We (Cas and I) both decide what will work for working out and we just do it. There is no excuses. For me, I need to have a scheduled plan. I am no fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl. And guess what~I am ok with that. With a schedule comes responsibility that this will happen and there is little reason why it shouldn't work.
Mondays seem to be a good beginning to the week. So if the weekend fell a bit short, we do a hard workout on Monday. I gave my all today and feel great for doing it. I am tired and should sleep good. Putting my mind to it...body does feel it. And it feel good. Love my new life!

Setting some New Goals.

Decided to hit the gym early today. Giving Casey the day off. Ha ha. Going to put 3miles on the treadmill ever if it kills me. It did kill me and then right to the bike~7 miles. Was then going to go swim a couple of laps but time made me stop. Wow triathlon not so sure about it. That is alot of work but need to set some bigger goals. Working on endurance. Breathing is hard when it comes to swimming. The good thing about this race is that I just have to finish. No times are required. First one so any time is a good time. Hmm. That makes it at least doable. And isn;t that what it is all about. Just trying, setting some goals and doing your best to accomplish it. Yep I think so.

Feeling good about life and where I stand. That is a good feeling. Looking for fresh snow to go cross country skiing. Looking ahead to the calender lots coming up and January is half over already. All in attitude isn't it? I think so.

Let the List Begin

Starting to make a list of things that have to get done. They don't seem to get done by just waiting and now things are piling up. If I don't write a list they will never get done. This week has been filled with going to the gym. That was a priority because I wanted to motivate. But now I look at my list and I think I need to tackle some of that this weekend.

It is 5 in the morning and already the day is full of have too's. Weekend for rest; nope returns today before the store close up on me, wrestling on Sat and church on Sun. That is going to be the way it is for the next couple of weeks. Trying not to feel that overwhelm. If I break it up it is all doable. That is another resolution, take things on in small chunks instead of the whole. Breath deeply and say a little prayer and it will all be fine. See I even now feel better. Writing it down seems to help too. And when it all fails call mom and dad~no wait they will be in Florida soon. It is all fun and games in Florida. I know I have been there and it is sunny to boot. You go guys. Wishing I had a little getaway planned this winter but none as of now. But there is always time to throw caution to the wind and go. You just never know with me. I have been known to go to Florida for a weekend wedding that I never received an invitation too. Ha ha. That was fun! Well time to make my list. It is getting late and I need to move. Thanks for the ear.

Time Well Spent

Starting to see results. I have been on a mission to get my kids moving, especially my daughter. Yesterday was a good day, no the last two days have been good. We went to Delta as planned and swimming was method of exercise. We both had a great time. It was something that made us move and play at the same time. I think it is bringing us closer. I hope. Such a touchy time of life right now.

Found out that in doing a sprint triathlon, that you have to swim one fourth of a mile. Well that is 9 laps. OK I was fine with that until I asked the lifeguard yesterday what a lap was. It is there and back. OMG I am going to die! Sunday I did 20 laps with much resting in between. Yesterday, I went 2 laps with no break. That really kills your lungs. Talk to a few people about gaining endurance. Keep working on breathing and it all will fall in place. Did some weight resistance in the current pool. Had Cas hold on to my waist as I walked backwards in the lazy river and then we switched as I held on to her. Then we played chase and if she caught me I would give her minutes for her phone. Ahh I found a motivator. Ha ha.

We both agreed to go back on Wednesday. I am glad that I am not pulling teeth so much now. Maybe just maybe she is actually enjoying our time too. Good feeling. Abit sore today. Stomach crunches tonite. She going to love me for sure!

Choices??????? We All Have Them

What to do when you walk away? Nope had your chance and that time has gone. Gave you every reason to stay. Choices~we all have them and now it's my time to take a stand. This is my home and what I say goes for the most part. We are a family that can voice our opinions and I have the final say. Get that! You chose your way and it is time you come to grips with that.

Calm cool and collective. That is another new years resolution. I am going to try to keep the yelling to a minimal. That is hard one. They are old enough to understand the whats and who's and the consequences of their actions. And in dealing with others ~deep breaths and know that I am the head of THIS household! AMEN

Will It Matter?

What are my new resolutions? Hmm Thought I should ponder a bit about this one. I seem to ask my patients this questions right around this time of year. And a few times they even seem to ask me. I have been giving this a lot of thought. I want to maintain the weight I currently am. Well no actual need to lose the 5 that I have put on this last couple of months. I am trying to be able to incorporate the things I want to eat (in moderation). Too the things that skinny or fit people eat. Fine line indeed. I know this is my lifelong commitment so I want to eat ice cream when I want too.

Exercising has slowed a bit but I am back on track. Went for a 2 mile run this morning and 30 minutes on the gazelle. Portion control needs to get a second glance from me. Went to the fruit market instead of the grocery store because will buy less junk there because it costs more. More fruits and veggies are the options.

Wrestling for the boys start officially tomorrow and need to have travel friendly foods available. Want to have healthy options because it is good when they are wrestling and people do take notice to what you put in your mouth especially after you lose the weight. In this case keeping up with the Jones is a good thing. It is so much easier if you have prepared all your foods for easy access. Do you have realize how many times you come home starving only to grab some chips or pretzels? If the veggies are all cut up would we grab those? Hmmm I am hoping so. Which leads me into a resolution...Change my kids mind about what they (we) put in our mouths. Went through the cupboard and got rid of the junk from the holidays. Snacks that are left are packaged in snack bags which are in serving sizes. If the kids thought it was bad before the holidays with nothing in the house to eat. Just wait. Don't be surprise if they call you up to come over. But it is time to make more of point. Planning on sitting down with them and working out a schedule for when we can make it to Delta to work out. Want to make it there with kids at least 2x. Now that may not work but it is a plan. Another plan is having them make a menu with me. Sick and tire (isn;t that funny how sick is always followed with tired) them saying that they don't want this or that. I hate trying to plan what we are going to eat. I would be happy with chix and salad everyday. But that only goes over once a week soo. Need some help there. Feeling good about some of my resolutions for 09. Hmm and I didn't think I had made any.

Year in

Well one whole year and a day when the written part of my journey began. Hard to believe. Oh yeah it started long before a year ago. I know that. I am just now trying to figure out the who and whys of Denise? Complex to some-not to others. This might sound strange but I know that I am here to do great things. I believe that I have already but more is yet to be seen. Aren't we all? Do we ever really find out our worth? Do we ever give credit when credit is do? I have found out in the past that you and only you can give that much needed pat. I have come to believe that it is wanted and needed.



On my run this morning, I thought about the past year; the good, the bad and the ugly. Crazy that days went by that I didn't think I could come down from the cloud I was on. Then it hit like a ton of bricks; heartache, depression and despair. Funny that those time just seem to ground me again. Knowing that with joy comes hurt and love-heartache. Cycle of life I think. To go up you must come down. But knowing in the depths there is hope!



All is truly good. Knowing worth is good. Welcoming 09 to more of my journey. Stumble oh yes but never out for the count.